Dreamswept

Everest Base Camp-April 10th 2008

As he made his way to his tent, Jeff Hillard's boots crunched through the rock and gravel that covered the trail. His nose was running and he was breathing a bit heavier than usual by the time he set his pack inside the canvas walls that would be his main base for the next few weeks, but otherwise he felt fine.

In fact his mind was soaring as it always did when he got to base camp, and he immediately headed back outside, and went in search for a couple of the guides he knew so they could catch up on things.

He came upon Eliza, who had decided to shell out seventy-thousand bucks to make her summiting dream come true, and was now a member of Jeff's team. "Hey, Eliza," he said giving her a smile. "You glad to finally be here?"

Eliza gave him a wide smile as she shifted her pack. "Oh yeah, and I'm determined to make the summit on my first attempt, whatever the odds are against it."

Jeff nodded. "Well, if anybody can do it, you can. You are one of the most capable climbers I've ever known."

She shrugged a little, then pretended to stumble under the load she was carrying. "Thanks, Jeff. I'd better find my tent now and start unpacking. See you at dinner?"

"You bet," Jeff said cheerfully as he looked up toward the mountains that towered above them "It's great to be back! I have to say."

"Oh, you know that guy that had a seizure on the cliff in Yosemite?" Eliza said conversationally. "Well, I just met up with him. He's with the Stairway To Heaven Expedition. You know I checked out that Expedition site once online and had the feeling that their guides aren't quite as savvy as ours are. They don't have as much experience by and large."

Jeff's head jerked when he heard the news, the memory of the kid hanging off the cliffs assaulting him and causing his stomach to clench.

He hid his feelings well, at least until Eliza had set off for the tents, but was soon striding toward the Stairway To Heaven tents, looking for the head guide. "Totally irresponsible," he grumbled as he searched.

"Which expedition are you with?" The pony-tailed guide with a southern California accent asked Jeff.

Jeff clenched his fists and took a deep breath to try to calm down before he spoke with the other man. "I'm with Summit Dreams--the head guide--and this Bass-Johnson guy was in my climbing class last year. he has Epilepsy and seized while on a cliff.

Jeff waited for the exclamation of shock he was sure would be forthcoming, but instead all he got was sly smile. "Yep, I know about his condition, and at first I was a little wary of that, but, he's getting my company some press from a drug company that's created an Epilepsy medicine and want to use him as an example of what Epileptics can achieve when treated properly. So, you know, we can always use the publicity."

The other guide shrugged and gave Jeff a wink. "If Reed wants to do it, it's not my responsibility to say no to him. You know, it's not my problem, bro. His decision."

Jeff was trying very hard to control himself in the face of what he saw as blatant greed. "Yeah, well if he dies, it won't be very good publicity for your outfit, now, will it? Clients don't tend to want to sign up with guiding services that have too many fatalities."

The other guide snorted. "What was your name again?" he asked with what sounded to Jeff like condescension.

"Jeff Hillard and I've been a guide here for seven years."

The other man stuck out his hand to shake. "Neil Rogers, pleased to meet you."

Jeff unclenched his fists and stuck his hand out to shake, and as he did so he made direct eye contact with Neil. "I wouldn't want to be in your shoes," he said with a tight smile. "Like I said, Reed had a seizure once. This is not the place to be taking chances like that... even for the lucre."

The smile fell from the other man's face, and was replaced with a scowl. "Some people might tell you to mind your own business, but I'm too nice to say that so I won't."

Jeff shook his head. "All right, but the medical staff need to know," he said with raised brows. "Will you tell them or do you want me to do it for you?"

The other guide huffed. "Yeah, bro, I'll let them know. I'm kind of busy now so could you kind of...?" It was obvious to Jeff that he was being dismissed although Neil let the sentence hang in the air.

Jeff gave the other man a dark look then stalked away. As he looked up at the clear sky he felt his mood plummet, because not only did he have his own clients to worry about, he now had to worry about Reed.

"Goddamn it all." he mumbled to himself while he trudged along searching for the stupid kid so he could try to talk some sense into him.

Reed coughed...and coughed...and coughed. He reached down to cradle his ribs while his body was wracked by the unproductiveness of it. He was panting slightly when the paroxysm passed, and after a minute a soft smile passed across his lips when he realized that a year ago, he would have been ecstatic just to imagine having a wracking cough at the base of Mt Everest.

He laughed with sheer joy as he unrolled his florescent orange sleeping bag, then unpacked his water bottle, CD player, lantern and other necessities.

"I've made it this far and I can make it the rest of the way," he whispered to himself before another paroxysm of coughing had him doubled over.

After toughing out the coughing fit, he basked in his own moment of victory, not letting fear of the future or regrets of the past cast a shadow over his time in the sun.

He wasn't thinking about anything in particular as he plopped down on his sleeping bag, untied his hiking boots, pulled them off, then lay back and stared up at the red ceiling of his tent. "I am stronger than I think," he murmured the mantra that he had been repeating to himself for months.

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, while flashes of the last few days of trekking superimposed themselves beneath his eyelids, one after the other. The sunset in Kathmandu, the spiritual feeling that had overtaken him when they had spent the night at a Buddhist monastery, the red, white, blue, green and yellow of prayer flags snapping in the wind. The awed smiles he exchanged with the other men and women on his team, the fear that gnawed constantly at his belly but which he never allowed to fully surface, the reassuring presence of the knowledgeable Sherpa guides, and most importantly, the feeling that maybe, after all, he really was worthy of the adventure he had chosen.

He yawned hugely. Excitement had kept his from sleeping much the last past few nights, and a soothing drowsiness blanketed him, calming his mind and body.

Just as he was about to doze, his eyes snapped open, and he saw a bearded figure crawling through the tent flaps. In his drowsy state, he thought it was his tent mate, and he gave a small wave and closed his eyes once again.

"Hey you, wake up. I need to talk to you."

There was no mistaking that voice--he had heard it in his dreams every night since he had left Yosemite National Park--and he automatically sat up, feeling both excitement and resentment at the unexpected visit.

"Yo, Jeff, what's up?" he greeted his former idol warily.

He hadn't invited Jeff to invade his sanctuary of dreams but the big man had entered the tent anyway, and as Reed held his breath with anticipation, Jeff settled himself beside him on the sleeping bag and then pinned him with a hard stare.

"So, you made it, after all, huh?"

Reed smiled nervously, not liking the look in the other man's eyes.

"Yeah, I made it," he said quietly, unable to break away from Jeff's intense gaze.

"You found a guide who would accept you, handicap and all, and now you've come up here to die. Is that it?"

Rage filled Reed at the words, fiery hot, and fueled by enduring an illness that had nearly killed him, betrayal by people he thought had cared about him, and most importantly the disillusionment of being rejected by the man he had looked up to.

He reached out both hands and grabbed Jeff by the beard, his face looming only inches in front of the other man's. "I am not handicapped and I am not going to die up here," he said fiercely. "Now get out of my tent, before I make you get out, dream killer."

He saw the look of shock on Jeff's face, and he immediately let go of his beard, then inched back to give the other man some space. "Please just go away, Jeff," he said as he sat back on his heels and took a deep breath to calm himself.

Jeff was looking at him strangely, almost like he was trying to figure out who he was, and Reed felt a flash of compassion. "I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked softly.

The words seemed to infuriate Jeff, who moved his lips soundlessly while glaring at Reed.

"Are you OK?" Reed asked with concern. "Sorry I grabbed you like that, dude, I just can't have anyone messing with my head anymore."

Jeff laughed, and Reed, hearing the bitterness in that laugh, turned his head away.

"You can't have anyone messing with your head? Is that what you just said?" Jeff demanded gruffly.

"That's right," Reed said, lifting his shoulders and forcing eye contact.

And then without warning his face was grabbed between Jeff's huge palms. He didn't try to pull away, sensing that any action on his part might escalate into violence. He quivered slightly as he maintained eye contact with the much larger man.

"Listen," Jeff hissed out. "You don't know what the fuck you are doing! I don't know if you're naive, or stupid or insane, but you can not climb this mountain when you have Epilepsy."

"Jeff, you don't-"

"Shut up and listen to me, will you! I am not simply picking on you or trying to put you down. I am deadly serious about this, Reed. You can't do it. You will die if you attempt to and have a seizure up there."

The inside of Reed's cheeks were being pushed painfully against his teeth by Jeff making it difficult for him to talk but he managed, "Jeff, I've heard this all before. I've heard it from you, my parents and even from myself at times...I can do this. I'm not on your team, though, so you don't need to worry about me. It's not your responsibility."

Jeff released Reed's face and shook his head slowly. "No, it's not my responsibility. It's not my problem, so why does it feel like it is?"

"I don't know, Jeff, but you need to try to figure it out and then get past it," Reed said while rubbing his cheeks to ease the soreness. He then offered the man who had crushed him many months before a smile.

"Do you want to die?" Jeff asked in a monotone. "Is it a death wish of some kind?"

Reed shook his head. "It's complicated, Jeff, but no it's not like that."

"Complicated? I remember a time when you would have been eager to tell me all about it. In fact I can remember a time when I couldn't get you to shut up. You remember?"

Reed winced at the words. "Are we reminiscing now? Look, Jeff, let's just get some things clear between us. You don't think I can make it to the summit, you've made that clear. I disagree, but I don't feel like I need to prove anything to you, because, you see, I'm not on your team. I'm on another team...with another guide."

Jeff slowly nodded and scratched at his beard. "OK, I get it, kid. I just..."

"What Jeff? You just what?" Reed asked, feeling incredibly sad for some reason.

"I just don't want you to die."

There was a hitch in Jeff's voice but Reed ignored it. "I don't want to die either, but everyone has to die sometime. If I die, at least I'll die trying to live my dream. That's all that matters to me."

"Yeah, I used to think that was all that mattered too," Jeff said.

"Yeah, well I'm sorry that our opinions differ on the subject now," Reed said in a chilly tone, mentally pushing Jeff away.

Jeff began to crawl out of the tent on his hands and knees but he stopped for a moment and looked at Reed. "Be very lucky, then, kid, up there on that mountain, because you're going to need it."

Reed smiled, trying his best to accept the words in a positive way. "Thanks Jeff, and I hope I'll see you around sometime."

Jeff laughed. "Won't be much way around it, since we're all going to be stuck with each other for the next few weeks."

Reed's laughter mingled with Jeff's. "Oh yeah, well I'll try not to bug you too much."

"Why is it that I'm not too worried about that anymore?" Jeff asked gruffly as he backed completely out of the tent, leaving only the sound of his voice behind.

As Reed lay back on his sleeping bag, he thought about when he had been in Jeff's climbing class, and how he had been ecstatic any time Jeff had paid him the least bit of attention. Now he just felt put upon by their interaction together.

'Nothing ever comes at the time that you need it,' he thought, and then realizing he was becoming negative, he pushed all thought out of his mind, and allowed the sound of the wind buffeting his tent flaps to lull him to sleep.

He looked down at Eliza who was made steady progress up the incline and he breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that he had very little to worry about as far she was concerned. "You've got it, Eliza, keep it up." he encouraged.

Reed trudged past his group at that moment, munching on a candy bar, and looking up at the high peaks above, and for reasons he couldn't exactly understand Jeff called out to him.

"Hey kid, we're doing ice climbing practice. Why don't you join in and show us how you use those pointy things you're wearing on your boots?" he asked with a smile.

Jeff knew he was breaking rules by inviting another guides' client to join with his group to practice, and that Neil Rogers would be livid if he found out. Jeff also knew how insulted he would be if another guide overrode his authority with anyone on his team, but he shrugged it off and looked hopefully down at the kid.

Reed stopped and looked up at Jeff through his sunglasses. "I've got a headache right now, but maybe I'll take you up on it later," he said flashing a grin at Jeff.

Jeff frowned. "A headache? Is it bad?"

"Don't worry about it Jeff, I've been to the medical tent and been checked out. It's just mild altitude sickness. They've given me some meds and are having me check in every few hours. It hurts like a bitch though. I've been trying to trek a little higher to accelerate acclimatization so that's why I'm up here."

As his attention was focused on the kid, the client he had warned about using his points, lost his footing and began sliding down the ice. The man self-arrested his fall and continued on while Jeff chided himself for not paying attention to his own team. He knew better, his own clients were his primary responsibility, anyone else was secondary.

"Keep up the good work," Jeff called to Reed before refocusing on his own team members.

He checked his watch as one of the climbers reached the top of the incline, and wondered when his second guide Bruce Langhorn was going to arrive at base camp. He was having serious doubts about his ability to focus adequately on his job since he'd spoken with Reed in his tent, and now that he was aware that it was affecting his performance with his team, he hoped the other man would arrive soon to take up the slack.

He looked down to see Eliza sitting beside him in the ice, fiddling with one of her crampons. "Everything OK?" He asked her.

"Bent one of the points somehow," she murmured as she removed it from her boot and held it up to him.

He took the metal crampon and examined it, then shrugged off his backpack and removed his toolkit. "Watch me while I repair this, OK? You'll need to be able to do it yourself if this happens higher up."

He sat down beside her and as he fixed the bent point he explained his actions. "You know this might not seem like much, but every little thing matters when you're in the Death Zone," he explained referring to the zone above 25,000 feet, where many lives had been lost.

She nodded. "You're right, Jeff, I know."

"Because, you know, you won't be able to think clearly up there, even with oxygen. Your mind will be slow, so you need to be able to do these kinds of things automatically."

"Definitely Jeff. I remember everything you've told us, and you've told us about the Death Zone a thousand times," she said with a gentle nudge to his ribs.

He laughed. "I guess I have. I'm turning into a real nag, huh?"

"No way," she said seriously. "You're cautious, yes, but that's one reason I chose your company and you for my summit attempt. I fully intend to get back home to tell the tale of this and I honestly believe that my best chances are with you as my guide."

Jeff was impressed by the compliment, knowing that Eliza didn't offer them frivolously, and for a moment he was at a loss for words.

"I'll do my best for you guys," he finally said before handing her the repaired crampon.

By the time Reed reached the mess tent that evening his head throbbed viciously with every step. The headache was so sever that it was causing extreme nausea. He wasn't hungry but knew he had to keep his strength up, so after filling his plate at the buffet he found a seat amongst the twenty or so other people and began to nibble at his food.

He knew if he was feeling 100% that he would be impressed by the variety of the fare, but he couldn't think about anything except the jack-hammer-like pounding in his head.

He groaned slightly as he brought a fork of broccoli to his lips, and as the smell of coffee wafted into his nose, he abruptly stumbled to his feet, turned and vomited onto the floor.

For a minute there was nothing but quiet in the formerly buzzing dining area, and then the voice of his guide Neal broke the humiliating silence. "Food not up to your standards, bro?" he quipped cheerfully, effectively alleviating the tension.

He heard other people laughing good-naturedly and he forced a smile, though his belly was still churning. After wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, he turned to Neil and quipped "Picky eater, I guess,"

His stomach roiled again, and he lurched across the room, praying he would make it outside in time.

Jeff was blocking his exit, and he covered his mouth to keep from vomiting on him.

Jeff grasped him by the arm, and quickly propelled him out of tent, where Reed repeated his earlier performance, spewing all over his brand-new hiking boots.

He sat down on a nearby rock, snorting and clutching his belly. "You go on and eat, Jeff, I'm OK," he finally managed to rasp out, not wanting Jeff to see him in his shameful condition.

"Let me help you to the medical tent, Reed. They can give you something for the nausea as well as upping your pain meds. How does that sound?"

Reed looked up at Jeff, surprised by the gentleness he heard in his voice. Having never experienced much kindness from Jeff before, he took the tone to be pity and shook his head fiercely. "I'll be fine," he managed though his throat was unbearably sore and his skull was still hammering relentlessly. "Go..on ...and eat, dude."

"No. I'm going to escort you to the medical tent first, dumb ass. Now get up on your feet and let's go!"

Reed nodded, oddly grateful that Jeff seemed to be back to normal as far as his attitude toward him was concerned. "Am I bugging you too much, again?" he asked weakly then managed a small smile before he got to his feet.

Jeff snorted while hooking his arm through Reed's. "You are one strange guy," he said gruffly as he slowly led Reed through the twilight. "And don't vomit on me," he added, sounding amused, "or I'll leave you to your own devices."

"Got it," Reed answered as he stumbled along with Jeff toward the tent where he hoped he could find some relief.

Reed was sitting up on a cot, with a pill dissolving under his tongue, and a hypodermic needle being jabbed into his arm as Jeff scrutinized him. He had witnessed the vomiting episode in the mess hall and had heard the banter that had ensued. He could also see how Reed was trying to smile at the doctor as he was being poked and prodded, and his respect for the kid blossomed.

Jeff had experienced his fair share of mountain sickness in his time and he knew the wretched agony of it. It was just luck that he wasn't feeling unwell himself.

As he watched the kid being treated, a seed of a plan began to germinate in his brain, A plan he tried to dismiss as ridiculous and unfeasible....

Reed was still sitting up but his eyes were flickering closed when Jeff sat down beside him a half hour later. "How are you feeling now?"

"Much better," Reed slurred slightly as he answered. "Mmmm....The headache is receding and I don't feel sick to my stomach anymore."

"Good. I don't see Neal anywhere around, do you?" he asked brusquely. "What do you think of that, Reed?"

Reed made a small gesture with his hand that Jeff couldn't decipher. "Basically, I think he knows that I'm a competent man who can look after myself, dude."

Jeff pressed his lips firmly together and looked down, feeling slightly chastened by the kid's words. "OK, but don't you think that even a competent man can use a bit of help now and then?"

"You seem kind of judgmental, Jeff, and maybe that's because you've accomplished so much, but you can't expect everyone to be as great as yourself. Do you think anyone could ever live up to your standards?"

There was real accusation in the words and Jeff was taken off-guard by them. He sat quietly scratching at his beard and trying to come up with a way to present his plan to the kid now that he knew what he really thought of him.

"I don't know, I guess I expect a guide to be a guide. If that's being judgmental then so be it."

Reed was beginning to sway slightly and Jeff had a sudden urge to wrap his arm around the kid's shoulder to steady him. He refrained from the impulse and continued speaking. "It sounds like you are accusing me of something, but I can't quite fathom what it is. I told you a long time ago that I was just a guy. Don't you remember that? I never said I was great."

"Yeah, well, I thought you were great...once," Reed slurred out so softly Jeff could hardly hear him.

Jeff could sense the pain in the words and he drew back slightly. "I tried to tell you I wasn't anything special. It's not my fault that you had trouble listening," he said, feeling angry that the kid was laying blame on him.

Reed sighed softly, and Jeff became even more angry at the sound.

"Well? Didn't I tell you that? Didn't I explain it to you at Yosemite? I also told you why I wasn't a hero, and I suppose that's when it finally kicked in, huh?" Jeff asked feeling a sense of bitterness that his admittance of guilt had apparently caused the kid to lose all respect for him.

Reed turned his face toward Jeff and as he did so his head wobbled slightly. "It kicked in when you deemed me unworthy, Jeff, because I really needed to be worthy in your eyes, man. I don't know why, but I really did...mmm, I guess I needed someone to look up to because I never had that before in my life. I mean I never had anyone who I could admire like I could admire you. Maybe that's what kept me going for a while, you know, having someone to look up to."

The reality of how he had hurt the kid in the past finally hit him full force. "I never said you were unworthy. I told you that you weren't ready. There's a world of difference."

The kid shrugged at his words."I'm really tired, Jeff, the meds they gave me are making me sleepy. I think it would be really good for me to rest now. Can we talk more later, man?"

"Sure thing," Jeff said. "You take it easy, Reed. I was going to propose something, but it can wait."

"Mmmm," Reed responded as his head dipped toward his chest.

Jeff stood from the cot. "Go ahead and lie down, I'll see you later."

He waited until Reed had covered himself up and was lightly snoring before he shoved his hands in his pants pockets, dropped his head and trudged back to the mess tent to get some dinner and have a few words with Neil.

Panicking, he jerked up into a sitting position, then stumbled to his feet.

"Jeff, you still here man?" he whispered out in confusion, peering desperately into the darkness of the medical tent. He made out a bulky shape on one of the other cots and deciding it was the doctor, he stood took a step closer to the cot, debating with himself whether he should wake her.

It only took him a minute or two to re-orient himself, and after he had calmed down, he realized he was desperately thirsty and also needed to take a pee.

Feeling around in the darkness, he found the tent opening and pushed through it, deciding he would go back to his own tent for his water bottle and then would find someplace to take a leak.

The sky was clear as he stared up at the smattering of stars above, and he shifted his gaze to the outline of the Himalayas towering high above and all around. A shiver went through him and his resolve faltered. "What the hell am I doing here?" he whispered as he stared up at the mountains that loomed ominously above him in the darkness.

The fear that had been gnawing at his belly since he had left Kathmandu suddenly unleashed itself like a tiger pouncing, and his legs began to quiver beneath him. The realization that he might not ever leave the mountain alive was too much to bear but it was right there in his face for the first time since he had begun his quest.

In the moonlight the mountains seemed sinister, as if they were sentient beings who were watching with glassy, frozen eyes. Watching and waiting for him to mess up so they could devour him.

"I'm losing it," he muttered as he walked cautiously toward his tent, careful not to stumble on the rocks or gravel.

He finally saw the red of his tent and as he neared it, he felt a nameless terror so deep that he could only compare it to when he was child and would wake from a nightmare only to find his bedroom was pitch dark.

Refusing to look up at the lines of the mountains again, he crawled into his tent, careful not to wake his tent mate, David Long, a good-natured Scotsman who had delighted him on more than one occasion with humor-filled stories of his climbing expeditions.

Sitting on his sleeping bag he grabbed his almost full water bottle, and greedily gulped the contents down.

The only sounds he could hear in the darkness were David's soft breathing, and then from further away, the groan and crack of the Khumbu Icefall. 'Jesus,'he thought as he listened to the ice cracking in the distance, 'that doesn't sound promising at all.'

Deciding not go out of the tent again that night, he lay down and grabbed his pee bottle, then rolling onto his side, he quietly unzipped his jeans and relieved himself.

Careful to place the bottle of pee well away from his water bottle he burrowed deep into the sleeping bag and tried to go back to sleep. He had no idea what time it was, but going by the moon's brightness, he figured it would be at least three hours until dawn.

He drifted to sleep, imagining himself falling off the mountain, and then awoke with a gasp. Again, he knew he had stopped breathing.

He lay with eyes wide-open, staring into space, and panting with dread. He just hoped that when daylight came he would regain his courage. If not...he couldn't allow himself to dwell on the prospect and tried to imagine himself on the summit instead. He could see himself up there grinning, feeling happier and more victorious than he ever had.

He told himself that he would feel content and worthy, and all the other things he so desperately needed to feel...if only he could get through the night.

After a long, sleepless night, of questioning his plan and his motivations, Jeff sat at the table in the mess hall, sipping a cup of black coffee, and trying to figure out how to get Reed to agree to his proposal when he made it. The night before he had sat in a folding chair in front of a makeshift desk and had made lists and charts by lantern light. He realized that planning everything before hand had helped him in his role as Everest guide, but he wasn't so sure that it was going to help him as far as the kid was concerned, because Reed was the unknown quantity in all of this, and he had forfeited any right to propose anything to him a long time ago.

Jeff was shocked when he saw Reed pass by the table, heading for the breakfast buffet, because the kid looked extremely pale and shaky.

When the kid was walking slowly back to the table, Jeff caught his attention and the kid offered him a weak smile.

Jeff smiled back then motioned him over to an empty chair beside him.

He took another sip of coffee to help clear his mind then turned to the kid, who was lifting a fork of eggs to his mouth. "You feeling all right?"

Reed took a bite of egg and then nodded. "Yeah," he said after he swallowed.

Jeff raised his brows. "Really, because I'm feeling pretty shitty myself. Always do until I adjust to the altitude."

Reed shrugged. "I didn't sleep well because I was gasping a little. No big deal."

Jeff grinned and then made a loud gasping noise. He then held his breath for a long minute and then gasped again. "Like that?" he asked Reed.

Reed smiled at Jeff, seeming to cheer up a little at the mimicry. "Yeah, exactly," he said before taking another bite of his eggs.

"You know, that's actually a safety mechanism, even though it may be disconcerting," Jeff told Reed. "You take more breaths in thin air to take in enough oxygen, and carbon dioxide builds up in your system. When you go to sleep and don't need quite as much oxygen, your brain flushes out the excess carbon dioxide so you won't hyperventilate. When you stop breathing it's just a way to get balance back, then you gasp when your body is back in balance and needs more oxygen. It's very normal."

Reed furrowed his brows. "Thanks for the lesson on breathing, Jeff, don't know what I would do without you."

Noting the sarcasm, Jeff shrugged. "Sorry, just a force of habit. My role of guide and everything.

"You're not my guide," Reed reminded him for the second time since they had met up again."

"I know," Jeff said gruffly then focused on his cup of coffee, savoring the warmth of the cup against his icy fingers.

After a few minutes, Reed got to his feet and picked his plate up. "I can't eat anymore, my appetite is no good," he muttered. "See you later, Jeff."

Jeff put his hand on Reed's arm and when the kid turned to look at him with raised brows, he forced a smile. "Hey, would you mind meeting me at my tent in an hour or so? There's something important I need to talk to you about."

Reed looked surprised at the request and he frowned at Jeff. "If you're going to try to talk me out of my summit attempt you can just save your breath. I have enough to think about without you trying to constantly bring me down."

Jeff scowled, feeling annoyed that the kid was treating him as if he was some sort of a pest. "Look, I just want to talk to you. You've made it very clear that you're going ahead with your plans, I understand that."

"OK then, I'll make some time to come to your tent."

"Thank you," Jeff said tersely as he stood up from the table. "I appreciate it."

Jeff paced outside his tent an hour later, trying to figure out exactly how he was going to get the kid to agree with his plan when he obviously disliked Jeff now. He thought back to the day in Yosemite when he had kicked the kid out of his class, and wondered if he hadn't been too harsh. He shook his head fiercely when he though about the danger Reed had put himself and his climbing partner in by going up on that cliff when he knew he could have a seizure at any time. Jeff knew that if he had made any mistakes with Reed, his response in Yosemite hadn't been one of them.

He wiped his sweaty palms onto the front of his cargo pants, even as a cold breeze made him shiver. He asked himself for the thousandth time why he couldn't get Reed out of his head.

At that moment Reed stepped out of his own tent, wearing a red stocking cap, a red pullover sweater with snowflake pattern and a forest-green down jacket and pants. Jeff smiled at the sight.

"You look like Christmas," he said when Reed stood before him a minute later. "Well, let's go inside my tent so we can have some privacy. all right?"

Reed shrugged. "OK, dude, but I can't stay long, Neil wants us resting in our tents for the day. We're leaving for camp 1 before dawn, and will spend the day there before coming back here.

Jeff was surprised that Neil was taking his group to camp 1 so soon after they had arrived at base camp, and even though the prospect of Reed walking through the Khumbu Icefall the next day caused his heart to skip a beat, he kept his mouth shut while holding the tent flaps open for Reed.

Reed sighed as he entered, and Jeff knew by that put upon sigh that there was a good chance his proposal would fail.

"I was wondering if you still wanted to be on my summiting team?" Jeff asked in his characteristically straightforward way.

Reed's eyes widened. Visibly startled, he gaped at Jeff. "Jeff, you know I'm on Neil's team, so, why do you ask?"

Jeff took a deep breath. "I know that, I was just considering the idea that if you were on my team then maybe I could work with you a little more than he is capable of."

He could see the wary look that passed over Reed's face and he scratched at his beard thoughtfully. "You seemed amenable to my instruction at one time, though you did pretty much what you wanted, regardless. I'm just curious as to whether you are still interested at all on being on my team?"

Reed opened his mouth as if to speak then closed it again. He stood staring at Jeff until Jeff became uncomfortable.

"I'll take that as a no, then," Jeff said with a casualness that belied the intensity of his feelings.

"Um, I'm very confused, Jeff, you want to explain to me what you're thinking?"

"Yes, I'll tell you what I'm thinking, and I'm going to tell it the way I see it. I'm not going to pull any punches, OK?"

Reed nodded and folded his arms across his chest. "Go ahead, dude."

"Neil is only in this for the publicity, and he doesn't care if you get yourself killed climbing this mountain. He made it clear to me that he felt it wasn't his problem if-"

"It's not his problem, Jeff, it's my problem," the kid interrupted fiercely.

"Will you please let me finish?" Jeff growled.

The kid frowned at him but didn't say anything more, so Jeff continued, "It doesn't matter whether I think that it's a good idea, or not, you are determined to summit, isn't that right?"

"Yes, Jeff," Reed said in a low tone."

Jeff took a deep breath. "I'm offering to guide you during your expedition, because--and I'm not saying this to sound superior to your current guide--I believe that if you listen to me and do as I advise, you will have a better chance of making it to the summit and back than you would otherwise."

"Yeah, but, I'm on Neil's team, how could I be on your team too?"

"You couldn't. I'd have to convince Neal to let you change teams, and that won't be easy. I'm willing to try arrange it if you're interested, though."

Reed unfolded his arms from his chest and shook his head at Jeff. "What the fuck? You don't think I'm ready or some kind of crap like that and now you want me on your team? This makes no sense!"

Jeff looked into the wide maple-colored eyes that gazed questioningly at him and then shifted his gaze away, not clearly understanding his own motivations.

"Yeah, well," he husked out, "I guess on some level I care what happens to you, kid, and I'm a capable guide, so you don't have to worry that I will let you down as far as that is concerned...."

"You know I wanted to be on your team," Reed said quietly, "I made that really clear a long time ago, man, but I know you don't see me as capable, and this feels too much like pity. Maybe your offer is just another way for you to feel like more of a hero than you already do. Is that it, Jeff?"

"No! That's not it at all," Jeff said quickly, not liking the way Reed was questioning him. "Listen, you're being a spectacular pain in the ass about this. If you don't think it'll work out, just say so."

"There was a time when all I wanted was to be on your team," Reed said very softly. "But that was then, and this is now and things have changed. I'm not sure I care all that much anymore, especially when you aren't being clear about your motives."

"Listen, Reed, you want the summit and I want to help you attain that, if possible." Jeff shrugged and then made a small sound of frustration before continuing. "What do motives matter in the long run? If you could just stop being so damn obstinate for one minute and think about it logically...."

"Why is it that you have to insult me every time we talk? Now I'm obstinate and illogical. I don't know, man, but you aren't making your suggestion sound very tempting."

The corner's of Jeff's lips twitched upwards as he realized that the kid was right. He had planned for this talk to go much more smoothly, but as always Reed had a way of getting under his skin.

Reed suddenly smiled broadly at Jeff. "So, you thought what I said was amusing, huh? You have a sense of humor after all? "

Jeff could not keep himself from smiling back. The kid was so frustrating at times, and yet.... "So. what do you say, kid? Do you need some time to think about it or is it a definite 'no'?"

Reed gazed at Jeff for a minute. "I guess a part of me would still like to do it. I have some concerns though."

Jeff folded his arms across his chest and nodded at Reed. "Tell me, I'm listening."

Jeff watched as Reed began to pace around the small confines of the tent. He could see the kid was working himself up, and he became a bit concerned. "Um, kid you are about to have a fit-- I mean seizure, are you?"

Reed stopped pacing and frowned at Jeff. "No, Jeff, I'm not, but see, that is one of the things that concerns me. When you first met up with me on our day of arrival the first thing you mentioned was my condition. You didn't ask whether it was under control--which it is, and has been since I started taking a new medicine months ago. You just assumed the worst. I'm really afraid that there is too much history between us for this to work out." Jeff bit at his lower lip while he thought about the kid's point. "I suppose you're right on one level, Reed, but on another level the history you're talking about just might work to our advantage."

"What do you mean, Jeff?"

"I mean we know a few things about each other. I know that you will do anything to reach your goals, regardless of whether it's prudent or even safe. You know that I get extremely pissed off when people aren't careful, and that I've summited before."

"And I also know that you have no qualms about swatting me when I'm not careful," Reed said with a wide grin.

Jeff felt his face growing hot at the reminder of the spanks he had administered, first in the gym and then in Yosemite. "Hmmm, well, you deserved it, but-" Reed laughed. "I think that it upset you more than it did me, dude. I was so awed by you that I would have let you beat the hell out of me if you had thought it was the right thing to do...."

"And now?" Jeff asked,

Reed looked him in the eye, his eyes clear and calm. "If you smacked me because you thought it would help me to succeed, I would accept it in order to achieve my goal." Jeff nodded. "OK, I think I understand."

Reed tilted his head to the side. "Are you considering hitting me if I mess up, Jeff?"

"Not really, but I didn't exactly plan it before, it just happened," Jeff admitted, feeling profoundly confused by the turn of the conversation. "I guess I was simply wondering how you would respond if it happened again."

Reed's gaze was on him for a long moment, then the kid said in deadpan voice. "Of course, it might not be a good idea up at altitude. I mean if you pulled your mitt off to whack me, your fingers might freeze and fall off."

Jeff snickered then replied in the same tone of voice, "Yes and if I pulled your pants down to smack you your ass might freeze and fall off."

He had been trying to lighten things up and play along with Reed, but his remark seemed to cause the opposite effect. Reed laughed slightly but it was clearly an expression of discomfort.

He cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable too. "No use putting it off, then, I'm going to have to try to talk Neil into letting you and the publicity you represent go to another team."

"Good luck," Reed said.

Just as Jeff was turning to leave he heard the heart-wrenching words that were uttered so softly in his direction. "You don't see me as unworthy anymore, do you Jeff?"

He turned back around and put his hand gently on the kid's shoulder. "I never did. I saw you as immature and under prepared, but never unworthy." To his surprise the kid shrugged away from his hand. "Yeah, right, now you're just being condescending. Don't you think I know pity when I hear it, man?"

Jeff scowled. "What's wrong with you, dumb ass? I was simply answering your question and then you accuse me of lying? What the hell is that all about?" He demanded.

He was jolted by the sudden smile Reed flashed at him him."OK, sorry, my mistake. You can go and talk to Neil now."

Jeff shook his head in mystification, then turned to leave. "Thank you, Your Majesty," he grumbled.

The answering laugh made him smile a little.

To be continued
Copyright © 2008 Tris