Jacob awoke, not because it was time--as a quick glance as at the widow informed him--but because even in his sleep he could feel the absence of warmth that CJ's presence provided.
The palm of his hand automatically felt the sheet where CJ had lay and it was cold and slightly damp. he shivered in the pre-dawn chill, threw the covers off his bare muscular body, and stumbled around the bedroom to get dressed.
He had to find CJ before the young man absorbed too much radiation. After that would come the punishment he had promised if C.J. wandered away again. He frowned as he pulled on a pair of faded jeans, because he had expected that the much younger man would have taken his warning to heart and would contain his impulses to wander, and to search.
He pulled the shades up, and stared groggily out at the the dried up fields. Everything was covered with a thick, bleak fog, and he sighed remembering a time when the corn was green and plentiful and the sky a clear, vivid blue.
Pushing the memory away as if it held too much power, he grabbed the keys to their beat up old Chevy pickup and covered his head with a blanket before heading out to search for the only person he had left in the world.
He pushed the impending punishment out of his head, not wanting to think about causing any discomfort or unpleasantness to his poor, confused lover, but the memory of the words he spoke to CJ the last time he had found him miles from home forced their way into his brain, and he knew that he would have to follow through. He had promised him a spanking, and with a heavy heart he nodded to himself then drove away from the farm.
Finding nothing he walked slowly to the next clump of dead grass and repeated the process, his dark eyes filling with tears which he quickly swiped away. As he continued the process of moving and poking, he thought about the baby lamb.
Lila, the only sheep they had left had given birth only yesterday, and as he and Jacob had watched her belly swell with life, CJ had felt a kind of hope he had thought he would never feel again.
When the time of new life came, and Lila lay panting in the barn, Jacob and CJ had exchanged grins before climbing into her stall to help her if needed.
The lamb, when it finally emerged from the sheep's swollen vulva, was hideously deformed, and it lay limply on the straw making no attempt to draw breath.
He couldn't remember much after that, but he did recall the sight of Jacob wrapping the lamb in newspaper and taking it away.
That evening, he had begged Jacob to tell him where he had buried it, but Jacob had refused. "The lamb is gone CJ, please, just let it rest in peace."
But he couldn't, because all of his hope had disappeared when Jacob had removed the deformed lamb from the barn, and so he had crept out of the farmhouse in the dead of night and had dug hole after hole in the fields, searching.
Jacob had come out, after a time, with a dull brown blanket over his head He had wrenched the shovel from CJ's hands, before dragging him back inside and scrubbing him practically raw in the shower.
"Wash your hands before supper, Christopher John," the voice of his long dead mother played in his head like a broken record. "We're having fried chicken and biscuits tonight."
CJ's mouth watered in anticipation and for a moment he could detect the savory aroma which had always emanated from her kitchen.
He began to lose himself in the memory, but the sound of a train whistle in the distance brought him out of it, and he sighed heavily before moving on to the next clump of grass.
His mother had sung him a song about trains when he was just a boy. A song about sleepy time and about being cozy and safe.
Train whistle blowing, makes a sleepy noise,
underneath their blankets are all the girls and boys.
Rockin' rollin' ridin' all along the bay
all bound for mornin' town, many miles away.
"Mornin' town," he softly repeated the words to himself, as if they were a mantra which could bring back the past.
He realized as he slowly walked to the next clump of dead grass, that there was nothing to find. He was cold and he was tired and there was just nothing there.
He wrapped his arms around himself to try to get warm then looked up from the ground he had been searching. The sky was a hazy shade of gray, just as it always was--just as everything always was these days.
He found the highway and started trudging along. With thin shoulders slumped, and fair head bowed, he started toward home and as he went he anticipated the warmth and security of Jacob's strong arms.
His heart thrummed in his chest when he saw a flash of blond hair, and he put on the brake, allowing the engine to idle, while he jumped out of the truck.
he trotted up behind CJ who was panting with apparent exhaustion, and without a word threw part of the blanket over him. "You're going to get sick, CJ," he softly chided. "What were you thinking?"
CJ snuggled against him under the suffocating warmth of the blanket and for a moment Jacob just held tightly to him. "You're skin and bones," he said sadly. "let's go home and eat."
"Fried chicken and biscuits?" CJ asked in a voice that sounded very, very young.
Leading him back to the truck, Jacob talked in a gentle voice. "Chicken and biscuits and gravy and mashed potatoes, and for dessert strawberry shortcake. How does that sound?"
CJ clutched at Jacob's hand, and Jacob worried at how cold it was.
"And hot chocolate with whipped cream on top," CJ added . "And then we'll sit in front of the fire and read."
Jacob continued leading the way, his eyes focused on the front bumper of the truck. "What will we read, CJ?"
"A book about zebras or maybe about the sea," CJ replied, his voice shaking.
Jacob could feel CJ begin to quiver and he hurried his pace a bit.
"Or maybe we could read about little bitty lambs," CJ said, his voice high and tight.
"Don't, baby," Jacob said, his quick pace never faltering.
"You said I was going to get a spanking if I wandered again, Jacob," CJ said in that same strained high-pitched voice. "Did you mean that?"
"Yes, baby, I meant it," Jacob said just as they finally made it back to the truck. "Don't worry about it right now, though. Everything is all right."
"I'm not worried. It just makes me a little sad."
After Jacob had helped the exhausted CJ into the passenger seat and had gotten back behind the wheel, he looked over at him, wondering why the thought of a spanking would make him feel sad. He realized as he looked at the strain in his partner's face, a strain that never completely went away even in sleep, that the idea of causing him any pain whatsoever was making him a bit sad too.
As Jacob scrubbed him down, he made a weak attempt to get him interested in sex, his hand roaming seductively down past Jacob's thick patch of dark hair.
He could tell that Jacob was trying to respond, but as he cupped his heavy balls in his palm, CJ felt no movement or growth of Jacob's penis. just like everything else, it's dead, he thought sadly.
He smiled at Jacob, trying to let him know without words that it was all right. Then standing on the balls of his feet he kissed Jacob on the mouth. "Someday, when the bad times have passed," he whispered throatily, "We are going to lie in the sun at the beach and make love for days on end."
Jacob just smiled at him, while rinsing the thick, rose-scented soap off.
"Can we plant a rose garden?" CJ suddenly asked.
"We aren't going to be planting anything if you keep going outside and then get sick," Jacob replied gruffly as he grabbed a towel from a shelf near the shower.
"But, it's been a year, Jake. I'm not going to get sick after a year."
"You don't know that," Jacob said, sounding so angry that CJ started retreating further into his fantasy world.
"We can go to Sea World next weekend and watch the whales and the dolphins. We can buy a souvenir and then-" CJ began in a dreamy tone.
Jacob cut him off by suddenly wrapping him in a towel and then pulling him into a tight embrace.
He tried desperately to remember what else he was going to say, but the vivid imagery was suddenly gone, leaving him feeling lost. He whimpered as he held tightly to Jacob.
"We have some coffee left, and canned milk and powdered eggs," Jacob whispered into his ear while gently patting his rear end. "You have to eat. Promise me you'll eat what I cook for you today."
CJ nodded, still snuggling close to Jacob's chest. "I promise, Jake, but you have to promise me something too."
"Anything, baby."
"Promise me that we'll go to Sea World and look at the whales and dolphins someday."
CJ looked up questioningly when Jacob didn't answer. "Jake?" he asked, a tight ball of pain making it hard to speak. "Will you promise?"
"If it is in my power to make it happen, we will go to Sea World and watch the whales and dolphins, I promise," Jacob finally answered.
CJ smiled at the words. "Thank you, Jake."
The coffee was brewing and Jacob was distractedly preparing scrambled eggs while he thought about the impending punishment. He asked himself why he had threatened to spank CJ when he knew how hard it would be to do so. The only answer he could give himself was that he had talked to him time after time about the risks of going outdoors when it wasn't absolutely necessary, and it hadn't seemed to matter.
He also realized it had been blind fear that had caused him to threaten the spanking, a fear so deep and dark, that he rarely allowed it to surface unless CJ forced it to by wandering far from home. The fear of losing his partner and being left alone in the world was unthinkable, and a very real possibility.
As he spooned the slightly watery eggs onto a plate, he thought about all the dangers that lurked around every corner since the bad times started. He had no way of knowing the radiation levels, but the lamb had been disfigured so he knew the danger had not passed. there were also wild animals, half mad with hunger outside, and it amazed Jacob sometimes that CJ seemed so unaware of the peril he was placing himself in by wandering around out there.
He shook his head and exhaled, trying to shake his mood. After all, CJ was home now. He reminded himself that a spanking would not be end of the world, especially if it would teach his mate that he had to keep himself safe in order to keep from feeling any more smacks to his behind.
"Come and eat, baby," he called out after he had poured two steaming mugs of coffee.
C.J. soon entered the kitchen, and Jacob really looked at how beautiful he was for the first time in days. His still slightly damp blond hair was curling around his collar and the short-sleeved shirt he wore brought out the definition of his small biceps. Ignoring the shadow of ribs showing through, Jacob allowed his glance to slide lower, taking in the lines of the bulge under his jeans, and then his long slender legs. His eyes soon traveled back up to the angelic face and delicate features which so often were filled with worry lately, and a rush of love filled his heart.
"Come on, sit down, baby," he said as he took his place at the table.
CJ joined him and he began to talk of inconsequential things while they ate. He occasionally sneaked a glance over at CJ's plate to be certain he was filling his belly like he promised he would.
"I found a couple of old batteries in the bottom drawer of the dresser. I tested them and they work just fine, so if you wan to listen to your mp3 player tonight you can."
CJ seemed to cheer up at the words, just as Jacob had hoped he would, and was soon chattering away about music and other things that really meant nothing in the grim scheme of things but that caused Jacob to smile and feel at ease.
After discussing their favorite bands, CJ, more animated than he had been since the lamb died, suddenly blurted out his plans for them to leave the farm and to find a condo near the beach.
Jacob's stomach lurched. "Come on, now, baby, we can't leave right now. there's a lot to do on the farm. We've got fences to repair, and we can't leave the animals. They need us, remember?"
"We can take the animals with us."
Jacob forced a laugh, trying to keep the earlier light-hearted mood going. Now, you know we can't take a sheep and a horse to a condo with us, silly. They wouldn't be happy there.
CJ Seemed to be considering things, and then finally nodded. "I don't want Lila and Amigo to be unhappy," he said in a thoughtful tone, "so I guess we should stay here a while longer."
Jacob reached across the table and took CJ's hand in his. "Things are going to start looking up pretty soon, but right now it's best we stay put."
He gave the cold hand he held a gentle squeeze. "Which reminds me, you told me you would stay put and not wander around outside anymore. I told you what I would do if you didn't keep your word, didn't I?"
CJ looked down at the table. "Yes, you told me but I did it again anyway."
"Why did you do it again?" Jacob asked, while stroking CJ's palm.
"I ..don't know. I was searching..for something important."
Jacob pressed his lips together, forcing a resolve that was difficult to muster. "Yes, but we talked about that, and I explained to you how unsafe it was to wander around outside. What did I tell you would happen if you did it again?"
CJ fidgeted a little in his chair, his eyes darting around the kitchen. "You told me you would spank me," he mumbled. "My mom and dad used to spank me sometimes," he said, the far away sound to his voice alerting Jacob to the fact that he was going off into his fantasy world of memories and dreams.
"And did that help you to learn your lessons?" Jacob asked in a slightly louder voice than was necessary, in the hopes of keeping his partner grounded in the moment.
C.J. finally looked over at him, his eyes slightly glazed. "It's hard to remember some things now, but I remember that I would cry sometimes before I got a spanking, so...I might not be able to keep from doing that, Jake. I just don't know."
"It's OK to cry, before during or after, my baby. I love you, CJ, I wouldn't spank you if I didn't desperately want to keep you safe. Do you understand that? I couldn't do without you."
Jacob could see tears welling up in his partner's eyes and when CJ nodded, he stood up from the table. "Let's go ahead and get your spanking over with, my baby," he said, then reached out his hand and waited for CJ to take it.
Once upstairs in their bedroom, Jacob sat on the edge of the bed, and beckoned to his obviously distraught mate.
CJ, with tears running down his flushed face shook his head.
"Come here to me," Jacob said in a tone of authority rarely used. Though he could tell that CJ's disobedience was merely a reaction to fear, Jacob could not allow things to drag out any further.
Dragging his feet, CJ took the few steps it took to reach Jacob, and Jacob reached out quickly and began to unclasp his jeans. "You need this spanking," he said, "so that you will think very hard about ever leaving again."
"I understand, Jacob," CJ said quietly, before a sniffle escaped. "I love...you."
Jacob tugged him over his knees, not allowing himself to give into the despair he felt. "I love you too, very, very much," he said before bringing his hand up and landing a solid spank on CJ's brief clad bottom.
He heard a small yelp, but he didn't let it sway him. Images of himself all alone, propelled his hand to come crashing down again and again onto the small upturned rear end.
CJ bucked slightly and his head flew back as Jacob spanked each cheek with a solid cadence.
When he could see pinkness through CJ's briefs, he finally stopped the spanking.
He felt almost numb as he rested his palm on his partner's back and listened to him crying pathetically.
"If it happens again," he forced himself to say, "I'll take your briefs down and spank you bare. That will hurt much more, so I want you to think about that whenever you get the urge to wander away from your home."
"I'm sorry!" CJ cried out between sobs. "I won't do it again, Jacob."
Jacob very tenderly pulled him up to sit in his lap, cradling him and rocking back and forth.
He planted a soft kiss on CJ's damp cheek. "It's all right now, baby. You're going to do better from now on. I know you will."
Seeming to need close contact with Jacob, CJ threw his arms around him. "You kept your word to me.... You told me what would happen and then you followed through. I always knew I could count on you, and you really proved it to me."
Jacob reached down and rubbed at the backside he had just slapped so thoroughly, murmuring reassurances and soothing words of acceptance. "I love you, and I'll do anything in my power to keep you safe and sound, my sweet baby."
After he had calmed down, CJ nuzzled his head into Jacob's chest.
Jacob petted the damp tendrils of golden hair, feeling an indescribable sense of closeness to his mate.
They were both quiet for the longest time and it was C.J. who finally broke the stillness. "My bottom feels really warm right now, like I've been standing with my back to a fireplace. Some day we're going to drink big mugs of hot chocolate and we're going to lay in front of a blazing fireplace and make love, and we won't have to eat powdered eggs or worry about getting sick if we go outside... and we will have a lamb for a pet. Won't we, Jacob?"
Jacob lightly kissed the top of CJ's head and then closed his eyes, trying to imagine all that he was describing. It seemed all but impossible.
"Yes, baby, I bet we will," he said.
Copyright © 2008 Tris