Ari brought his dad's Ford pickup skidding to a stop when he saw the sign on the edge of the highway on the road that led out of Santa Fe.
For a moment he sat there stunned, staring through a whirl of dust at the words, Littlelake's Indian Arts and Crafts.
Seeing the few drops of dirty rain falling on his windshield, he pulled the hood of his red sweatshirt over his head and then exited the car, hoping, yet not really believing that it might possibly be the same Littlelake. 'Don't get your hopes up. What are the chances?' he told himself as he stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets and took a tentative step toward the shop.
Seeing a large totem pole in front, he leaned against it for a moment, buying a little time so that he could truly prepare himself for the disappointment he knew deep down would be waiting. Fumbling with shaky fingers, he brought a piece of gum up to his mouth to relieve it of it's dryness, and solemnly, almost with reverence, remembered the first time he had met Jacob Littlelake.
"Leave him alone," a deep voice ordered from behind the swarm of football jocks who had him down. Ari had turned his head to see who his protector was, and inhaled sharply through his closed teeth when he saw how magnificently beautiful the other boy was. In all his life, Ari had never seen such clear beauty, even in the paintings he made and which hung in the trophy case alongside the prizes the jocks had brought back from their triumphant wins.
And even in the midst of his shame and confusion, he tried to decide what color paints he would use if he were to make a portrait of the husky, young man. He had never seen such richness of hue, had never noticed anyone's skin the way he noticed his. Burnt umber and maybe a tinge of red, he thought to himself, mesmerized by the boy with the black flowing hair.
The boy--who looked as if he could crush the jocks like ants under his heel if he chose to--stood completely still, arms crossed over his taut bare chest, and stared steadily at the other guys.
Lucas Jones, the quarterback, was the first to let go of Ari's jeans, and he had a sullen look on his face when he he spoke, "What do you care what we do?" he muttered, but Ari noticed he was not making eye contact with the boy standing in the doorway. "Greene here, is half a fag anyway. The pussy paints!"
The way he said it, sounded to Ari the same way most people would say something like, "He pulls the wings off of butterflies."
Ari had felt deeply ashamed.
Ari knew that he was considered "different" at Santa Fe High, his slender body and long artistic fingers, along with his somewhat soft and delicate features, made sure of that. And whereas someone else, someone who was more sure of himself, and who played sports and tried harder to fit in, might have gotten away with being a painter, Ari knew that he never would be able to.
"Yeah, well I don't care if he is even more than half-a-fag, leave him alone," his protector said, amusement oozing from his voice.
While Ari stood and pulled his Levi's up over his smiley face boxers, and then fastened the snap with adrenaline shaking fingers, he looked over at the other boy with amazement. He admired his clear dominion over the situation, and he shook his head in disbelief as the jocks began to go their separate ways. Some of them were muttering under their breath but most were subdued and quiet.
"You all right?" the other guy asked as he walked over and unfolded his arms from his chest. "Those idiots didn't hurt you, did they?"
As shaken as he was by the whole ordeal, Ari tried to smile and act as if didn't matter. "I'm fine," he said softly. "No problem."
"I'm Jake Littlelake, by the way," the other boy had said as he extended a broad palm in greeting.
Ari shook hands, feeling warmth radiating from Jake's strong grasp and feeling somehow soothed by it. "I'm Ari Greene. Nice to meet you."
Ari smiled when he saw the flash of white teeth that accompanied the introduction and then he saw the strong chin tilt upward in an obvious gesture of pride. "I'm a Navajo Shaman," Jake said in a velvety rich tone that made Ari's heart flutter.
Caught off guard by the statement as well as by his own feelings, Ari felt himself flushing a little. "A...Uh...Shaman?"
Jake nodded, giving Ari a very serious look. "You know, a seer, a healer. My grandfather is showing me the old ways and then I'm going to help my people. A lot of them have problems, like drinking and hopelessness and despair and things like that. You know, because of our situation. Because of what has been taken from us and never returned."
Ari heard the strained sound in his new friend's voice, especially when he said the word "situation", and he shook his head slightly, unable to even pretend that he understood.
Jacob laughed then, an open-mouthed jovial laugh, then said, "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"
Responding to the obvious good-nature of the other guy, Ari had laughed softly and then shrugged. "Not really, but it sounds pretty cool to try to help."
The smile left his face when he saw Jacob's eyes moving down his body, openly appraising him. "You're very pretty, did you know that?" he asked frankly when his eyes had returned to Ari's face.
Ari felt confused, and he avoided eye contact as he stammered out, "I..um..I'm not um...I mean I hope you didn't get the wrong idea about me, because I'm not-"
"Gay?" Jacob said bluntly, causing Ari to look quickly around the locker room in case anyone was lagging behind listening.
Ari nodded.
"Yeah, you are, and you want to know how I know?"
"Just because I paint?" Ari began, becoming a little angry at Jake for the first time since they'd met.
Loud laughter echoed in his ears, and it frightened him. He put his hands in front of him protectively, with palms out and took a step backward.
Jacob closed the distance that Ari had put between them and lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Listen, I know because I'm gay too, and also because I had a vision of you during the 'dream time'. I met you before we ever met," Jacob whispered, his breath warm on Ari's face. "And you know what?"
"What?" Jacob responded, feeling utterly stunned.
"We're going to be life mates."
Brushing his paint-stained fingertips though his slightly spiky dark-blond hair, Ari peered through a fine mist of rain into the small shop. Then exhaling hard, he steeled himself for the disappointment he felt sure awaited him.
Ari opened the door to the shop.
A tinkle of wind chimes announced his entrance, and he felt his face becoming hot because of it. He turned quickly toward the front counter, and his heart fell when he saw a gray-haired, craggy-faced older man peering back at him.
"Hello, son, Anything I can help you with today?"
Ari plastered a smile on his face and walked to the counter. "No, I'm not looking for anything in particular, I was just wondering if...um," he hated the self-conscious note he heard in his voice, hated the fact that at nineteen he still lacked any sort of confidence at all. "You don't happen to know of a Jacob Littlelake, do you? I know there are probably a lot of people with the same last name, I just thought-"
"Jake? yeah I ought to know him, he's my kid," the man said interrupting Ari's rambling.
Ari felt his heart accelerate at the words. "Oh," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "Do you happen to know where he is?"
The man jerked a thick thumb toward a curtain behind the counter. "He's back there...supposed to be doing inventory, but he's probably lazing off as usual. You want to go back and talk to him, go ahead."
Ari nodded, then stepping softly around the man's bulky form, he fumbled for the opening of the curtain, his fingers shaking with anticipation.
He wondered,as he brushed past flimsy material, if Jake would even remember the times they had spent together lying on the hood of his dad's truck and looking up into the sky. Their bodies had been close at those times, so close that Ari could feel the heat from Jake caressing his side, but although the feelings they shared ran high, there had never been anything more between the two than the innocent touching of their bodies.
The moment before he spied Jake standing on a ladder, holding a small tom-tom in his hand, Ari wondered why they had never done anything more.
Jake's head swerved around as Ari was staring at him. And he was relieved to see that he looked much the same as he remembered. His jet-black hair was shorter, just barely touching his collar and his face was slightly more angular, but all in all he looked the same.
Not really sure of his welcome, Ari lifted his hand in an awkward wave, and smiled tentatively.
"Hey Ari, I knew you'd be here today!" Jake's face was one big grin as he came over and grabbed Ari by the shoulders, and Ari grinned back foolishly, feeling as if he would burst with happiness.
"You did not know," he said gruffly as he wrapped his arms around Jake's middle, trying to close the distance that more than a year of not knowing Jake's whereabouts had caused.
Jake winked slyly, while practically squeezing the breath out of Ari. "Now, that's where you're wrong. I did know, and I've been waiting for you."
Ari pulled out of the hug, thinking that Jake was messing with him and not willing to let himself get hurt again. "I don't believe you," he said quietly. "But I've thought about you.. a lot." He licked his lips nervously, trying to get his nerve up to ask the question he had asked himself so many times in the past. " So,Why did you disappear, Jake? I mean, without telling me or anything? I..." he broke off then, not wanting Jake to think it had bothered him that much.
He looked into the fathomless dark eyes of his friend, and even as he waited for the answer he somehow knew he would not receive it.
"Aw, come on, Ari, you know how it is with us shaman's, we have to go where the wind takes us." The grin that Jake gave him was superfluous, and Ari wondered what emotion lay beneath.
The flippant response both angered and saddened him, but he nodded his head pretending understanding. "Yep, guess so," he said lightly, returning the same smile that was given to him.
"Well," he said after a few seconds had passed, "I just wanted to say hi and everything. I've got to get back, but I just wanted to see if you remembered me."
Feeling suddenly exhausted by his dashed hopes, Ari smiled once again before turning to leave, not trusting himself to say anything more to Jake, for fear of wasting any more emotion or losing any more pride. "Good luck," he finally said, his tone surprisingly bitter and sarcastic.
"Don't go. Let's go hang out somewhere or something. It's been so long, dude. Why do you want to go now?"
Ari turned back warily, trying to gauge Jake's sincerity. Afraid that he had given himself away earlier, he shook his head. "You know, I really wish I could," he said forcing distance into his voice. "I already have plans though."
He could feel those intense crow-like eyes on him, and he felt his face become hot from his lie.
"I have something for you," Jake said in an unusually gentle voice. "I've been saving it for months. When I first laid eyes on it I knew it was yours. Can you wait a minute so I can show you?"
Ari nodded, unable to keep himself from feeling pleasure at the the thought of Jake saving something for him.
He smiled when he saw the arrowhead pendant, and as the light flashed on the onyx and the accompanying feathers moved slightly, he felt a jolt of de' jevu. "It's great" he said as he reached out to touch the jagged curves of the arrowhead.
"Jake grabbed at Ari's hand and placed the pendant in his palm. "It's yours. It's a talisman and will protect you from evil."
"Will it protect me from you?" Ari blurted out, and then laughed to try to cover up what he had just revealed. "Just kidding, bro, I love it, thanks."
Jake laughed along with Ari, but when he stopped laughing, he looked at Ari with a piercing gaze. "You remember the time I protected you from those freaks at school? In the shower room?" His voice sounded rough and demanding as he asked the question. "You don't remember that do you?"
Wanting to hurt Jake the way his disappearance had hurt him, he shook his head. "Hmm...nope, all that was so long ago. I can't exactly remember."
He saw Jake raise his palm in the air and for a moment Ari thought Jake was going to backhand him. He lurched backward, until his back was pushed tightly against the wall.
Lowering his hand, Jake smiled and took a step toward Ari. "Now, that we're both through pretending, why don't we get back on our path?"
"Our path?" Ari said shakily. "I don't know what you mean."
Jake ran his fingertips up Ari's arm, making him shiver. "Our paths are bound together," he said. "I thought I already told you that."
When Ari looked at Jake, amusement was stamped clearly on the chiseled features. "Why'd you leave?" he asked, trying to keep the hurt tone from his voice but knowing he wasn't succeeding. "I need to know that at least."
"If you'll come to the desert with me tonight, I'll tell you anything you want to know," Jacob said quietly. "Come to the desert with me tonight and our fates will be sealed together."
Ari nibbled at his lower lip, not knowing how to answer. The memory of Jake as his savior in high school was still very fresh in his mind, but there was also something irresponsible and cruel about Jake disappearing without saying goodbye. "All right," he said finally, and a bit begrudgingly. "But I want you to know that I'm not some dumb kid that's being bullied at school anymore. I won't let you mess me over, Jake."
Jake elongated his closed mouth and nodded in clear amusement. "Got it. Warning received loud and clear. You wanna pick me up at around eight after I get off from work? My car is in the shop."
Lightly rubbing the onyx arrowhead pendant which still lay coiled in his palm, Ari smiled and nodded, agreeing with the plan.
Right before he left, Jake planted a warm kiss on his mouth, both surprising and bewildering him, and as he walked back out to his truck, not even noticing if the older man was still in the shop, he pressed his lips together to savor the feel of it.
Ari saw the hopeful look as his dad pulled out his wallet and extracted some cash. "Who is she? Do I know her?"
For the millionth time in his life Ari wanted to tell his father that he didn't date girls, would never date them, and that he was attracted to guys. For the millionth time he chickened out, not wanting to hurt the balding middle-aged man who stood so hopefully before him.
"Um... yeah, just a girl I met at the movies a couple of days ago. It's not really serious or anything, though."
He saw the smile as his father handed over the money and he was glad he hadn't told him the truth. And, he reasoned, what was the point of hurting people with the truth if a lie would suffice? Life was so hard anyway, what did it matter?
Deep down, he knew it did matter. But, he also knew that his dad would never accept the fact that he was gay, and that was just the way it was.
"I won't be too late," he said as he made a dash for the pickup, then headed to the car wash before going to pick up Jake.
When he parked the truck in the gravel near the front door of the shop, he heard raised voices coming from inside. Not wanting to go in just then, when there was some kind of argument going on, he turned on the radio and looked out the window at the sunset, watching the yellows and oranges blending seamlessly into the horizon.
Minutes passed, and even with the radio on and the windows closed, Ari could hear the yelling, and he knew it wasn't Jake doing the hollering, so he figured it was either an irate customer, or maybe it was Jake's dad.
He sighed and looked at his watch, waiting for whoever it was to run out of steam, but after another few minutes he realized that wasn't happening, and he began to get concerned.
After a couple more minutes of the non-stop bellowing, his concern got the best of him, and he decided to go on in and see what was happening. After all, he reasoned, they were supposed to go out at eight and it was way past that. Jake would need to know he was waiting.
When he tried the door it was locked, and so he tapped lightly while trying to peer inside the darkened shop.
The door opened and he saw the face of his friend poke out.
Ari smiled. "Hi, you just about..." he broke off when he noticed the vivid bruise that ran across one of Jake's high cheekbones, and he automatically reached a finger out to touch it.
Jake turned his face away, tilting his chin up as he always did when he was being proud. "Go ahead and wait in the truck, and I'll be there in a couple of minutes," he ordered.
"OK, but what happened? Is somebody causing trouble, you want me to use the pay phone to call for help?" Ari said, feeling confused and distraught that Jake was hurt.
Jake shook his head quickly. "No, it's just my dad. He's drunk and he gets that way, it's no big deal. I'll get my medicine bag and then we can jet."
"Your medicine bag?" Ari echoed, thinking that Jake meant medicine for his bruise. "Do you want me to-"
Jake slapped Ari's shoulder while grinning broadly at him. "No, I don't want you to do anything. I'm used to his shit and I can handle it. I'll be out in a minute. Just go on back to the truck, Amigo."
Ari nodded and then walked slowly away from the shop. After starting the motor of the truck, he leaned his back against the seat and concentrated on getting his heart to slow down. He was amazed at the sadness and disappointment he felt that his buddy was being hurt by his own father.
He shook his head, trying to come to terms with this other side of his friend's life, and suddenly he once again remembered the day in the locker room, and how Jake had said that he wanted to help his people because they had problems like drinking. Now Ari knew that Jake's motives for becoming a shaman were less altruistic and more personal than he had ever imagined.
As they drove along the highway, he looked over at Jake occasionally, trying to see how he was doing. "It's no... big deal," he stammered after a couple of minutes of silence. "You know, it's actually kind of like we're on the same level, now. I mean, you saw me being pantsed in the locker room, right? Now we're on an even keel. Don't you think, bro?"
He let his eyes slip from the road for a minute, trying to gauge the effect his words had on Jake, and was surprised at the flash of anger he saw.
"No, because I rescued you that time. You didn't rescue me tonight, so we're not on an even keel. Not even close."
Ari felt the muscles in his jaw twitch as he gripped the steering wheel and stared straight ahead at the road. He realized that the perceived imbalance between the two of them had caused him to offer what he thought at the time was a reassurance, but which he realized was really his way of equalizing things between them for his own peace of mind. "God, I'm sorry I said that," he finally admitted while still staring unblinkingly at the road. "That was really shitty of me."
"It's OK, just be quiet until we get there, so I can meditate a little bit."
Ari looked over then, and saw that Jake's head was resting back and that his eyes were closed. A tremble went through him at the sight and he couldn't for the life of him understand why.
He followed quietly at a bit of a distance, not wanting to disturb Jake.
Suddenly the chanting stopped and Jake spun around to face him, his face illuminated by the half moon above them. "This is it, this is our spot," he said as he put his bag down, and then sat cross-legged in the sand.
Ari smiled nervously, and then sat down next to Jake. He drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them as he gazed at the bag, wondering what kind of medicine it had in it. "What's in there?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Jake smiled. "Don't you know what's in the bag?" he responded in the same soft tone.
"You said it was medicine."
Jake laughed softly, and Ari once more felt a shiver run through him. He inched a little closer to Jake then, wanting to feel the warmth that always emanated so strongly from him.
Jake didn't seem to notice the small movement as he unzipped the bag and began removing items from it.
Ari watched, mesmerized as Jake uncapped a bottle of something and emptied it into a clay bowl. He continued to watch in fascination as Jake unzipped a small plastic bag and tipped some dry powder in as well.
"What kind of medicine is that?" Ari asked with wonder.
Jake did not respond at that point, and Ari was getting a little freaked out by the silence.
A few minutes later, after some more additions, one of which was a thick, dark liquid of some kind, Jake turned to Ari and held the bowl out to him with both hands. "Scoop a little of it onto your fingers and then hold it in your mouth," he said.
Ari laughed a little and then shook his head. "No thanks. I don't know what it is and I don't need any medicine, right now."
Jake's eyes were on him, as he continued to hold the bowl out to Ari.
Ari stood up, suddenly exasperated at Jake and his lack of explanations about what was going on. He shook his head while dusting off the back of his jeans. "You're totally freaking me out, Jake. I thought we were going to hang out like we used to, but this is not any fun at all."
"I thought you wanted to know everything about why I left like I did," Jake said a tinge of anger in his deep voice. "I thought you wanted to understand about us and how we are destined to be together."
"Yeah, but you're not talking to me. How am I supposed to understand anything, when you won't explain?"
Suddenly Jake stood up and reached for him. Before Ari could side step out of the way, Jake held him close in his arms and had planted his warm, slightly moist lips on his.
Raw desire welled up inside Ari and he held onto the back of Jake's silky hair and pushed his tongue between the slightly parted lips.
It was the first time he had ever kissed anyone like that, and he ground himself against Jake wildly, raking his hand through Jake's hair, unable to control the frenzy he felt for him. He wanted to be closer--was trying to get closer somehow, and so it was a shock when Jake suddenly pulled away.
"I'm sorry, I..." Ari broke off, still panting with lust, yet embarrassed at his lack of self-control.
His balls ached for release, and hot tears filled his eyes, as he turned away to hide the signs of his desire. He felt such shame at that moment that he could barely stand it, and it brought back a painful memory that he had thought he had all but forgotten.
He had been nine, maybe, and he and his best friend had been rough-housing. After they had wrestled, squealing and laughing as they rolled on the ground, he had impulsively kissed his friend's cheek.
He remembered the revulsion on the boy's face just before he had run off down the street to his house, leaving Ari feeling confused.
Ari had felt bad, but he also didn't know what had been so wrong with what he done, and because he hadn't understood that it was wrong for a boy to kiss a boy, he'd not realized that there would be repercussions.
The next day the boy had rung his doorbell and while they stood on Ari's front porch, the boy had told him with obvious anger, that his mom had said he couldn't play with Ari anymore because he was a homosexual.
Ari hadn't known what that word meant. "What's a homosexual?" he'd asked.
"It means you like boys instead of girls," the other boy had said before shoving Ari hard and running off down the street.
Ari could almost feel that shove as he stood with his back to Jake. Tears rolled down his cheeks when he remembered how the boy who had once been his best friend, had warned everyone in his class that he was a "fag".
He was only nine when he found out that a simple peck on the cheek meant. And it was also then that he learned what it felt like to be suddenly the outsider; the monster who was so bad that people had to be warned about you.
The rejection he felt at Jake's pulling away unleashed all those feelings that he had tried to bury so long ago, and he knew it was because he had never kissed anyone since then.
He put his hands over the crotch of his jeans trying to cover and push down the evidence of his monstrousness. "You kissed me first," he said defensively, his voice breaking with the words.
He gasped when he felt Jake wrap his arms around his waist from behind, and then somehow they both tumbled onto the sand and he ended up sitting on Jake's lap.
"I want to," he heard Jake whisper huskily in his ear, as his warm hands went under Ari's hoody and rubbed at his belly. It was then that he felt Jake's erection beneath him, and he was so filled with relief that a soft sob escaped him.
"Soon, we will," Jake continued. "But tonight you must put the mixture into your mouth so that you can see and understand, and I'll learn what I need to know to care for you properly for the rest of our lives. Ari, don't be afraid. I would never hurt you."
You hurt me when you went away, Ari thought sadly, but he simply shook his head, unwilling to ingest something unknown, just because Jake said to.
He saw the bowl in front of him again, the light of the moon casting a dull light on it. "Tell me what it is," he demanded, feeling terrified.
"Just plants are in the mixture. They are nothing to be afraid of."
Ari set his jaw, feeling coerced and a little tricked. "You didn't tell me I was going to have to eat any plants when we got out here. I thought we were just going to hang out again, for old times sake."
Even in the dim light of the moon, Ari caught the look of pain that crossed his friend's face and he turned his head away.
"What's wrong with you!" Jake suddenly ground out, making Ari jump and scramble off of the bigger boy's lap.
Ari decided that Jake must've realized how frightened he was because his friend lowered his voice to barely a whisper. "Ari, listen bro, you know and I know that we aren't here just to hang out. This is a beginning for us...another beginning, and I need for you to make a leap of faith for me. if you can do that, I'll do the rest of the work and the wheel will be set in motion."
Ari saw the broad, sweeping movements of Jake's hands as he explained, and he suddenly felt wildly out of control. A primal fear of the unknown clutched at his insides like a vice. "I don't know what you're talking about. Why won't you explain what you're talking about, Jake?"
Jake suddenly reached over and clasped his hand in his own and Ari was soothed by the much needed contact. "It's normal to be afraid of what you don't understand, Amigo, but that's where intent comes in, and trust. Do you trust in our friendship completely?"
Ari felt off-balance at the unexpected words, and he looked down and shrugged.
A squeeze of his hand made him look back at Jake.
"Listen, it's all right to say what you feel. It's time for you to say what you feel for me, and I need to that you want us to be together-- enough that you will take the plant I've prepared and integrate it into your soul."
Ari smiled cynically. "I have to say what I feel but you don't, right? You still haven't explained why you left. You haven't told me what you feel for me. You're expecting something from me that you aren't willing to return." Ari paused feeling a rage building inside of him. "You think you own me, because you rescued me one time. You think I belong to you. Well, I don't belong to you!"
"I belong to you, really. That's the way it is and I know it," Jake said softly, his words melting Ari's resistance.
Ari reluctantly nodded then accepted the contents of the bowl, scooping the slimy herbs up with trembling fingers. He grimaced at the bitter taste.
Ari was flying through space and had left his body behind. He was streaming through a living presence and looked with detached curiosity as his body writhed on the sand, as if its agony was too much to bear. He didn't know why he was in the stream of consciousness or what had brought him there, but he knew with what was left of his ego that he must fight his way back.
Then he was in a deep ravine and the sky above him was sprinkled with stars. he watched as a man with flowing black hair approached him and handed him a pinwheel. The man, whom he did not recognize but felt he had met before, gazed at him him with lava eyes as the pinwheel spun faster and faster.
A voice spoke to him, and the voice sounded like a record that had been slowed down. Ari listened to the velvety words, trying to make sense of them. Then he smiled, understanding that an important question had been asked of him. He watched the pinwheel change into leaves with a vine where the stick used to be and he dropped it into the ravine. He stood on tiptoe, so he could whisper up to the man and answer the question, and he giggled when he heard his voice bubbling up and out of him, catching him by surprise with it's silvery liquidness.
"After he shared a secret with the man, he rocked back on his heels and spun in circles just like the pinwheels leaves had spun earlier. I am a part of the universe, he thought, and he is the universe and already knew my secret.
When the universe reached out and took him within its all-encompassing arms, and just before he cartwheeled onto what seemed to be a black-outlined turtle shell, Ari felt his body jerk and lurch. Zig-zag lines of pleasure coursed through every part of him making him spew pink rain from his nose and mouth
Ari was ecstatic as he watched the pink rain stop in mid-air as if supported by something he could not see.
When he awoke the sun was piercing painfully through his closed lids, and his mouth was parched and dry. "Where am I?" he croaked out, as he made a move to sit up. It was then that he saw that Jake was sleeping beside him in the sand, and he smiled softly and reached over to pluck a black feather from his hair. "Jake," he whispered groggily. "It's morning."
At his words, Jake's eyes snapped open, and he grinned, his smile seeming to hold some sort of sleepy secret.
Ari tried to ignore the smile as he got to his feet. "I got to get back, bro, my dad will be worried that I stayed out all night." he said.
Jake stretched, looking to Ari almost like a content cat, then sat up and shrugged while he pulled at the crotch of his jeans.
"Sand in your pants?" Ari asked, suddenly realizing that his own underwear was sticking to him in the front. He was suddenly concerned by the sticky sensation. "We didn't do anything last night did we?" he asked as he pulled uncomfortably at his own crotch.
"Jake's smile widened. "No, but you had a pretty good time after you took the plant. You must have been in a pretty good place, bro."
Ari tried to remember, tried to piece the fragments together into some meaningful narrative in his mind. "I don't know. It seemed kind of like a dream. Did I do anything stupid?"
Jake put his arm around Ari's legs and squeezed a little too hard. "No, you were acting just like yourself except in a different world. You did good, Ari, you told me everything I needed to know."
"I don't remember you being there," Ari said while he shook the sand out of his hair. "There was this really tall man who gave me a pinwheel, though."
"That was me," Jake said.
"No, it wasn't." Ari responded gruffly, trying to step out of Jake's hold. "I would have known if it was you. Stop messing with me." Jake laughed. "Do you remember what you told the tall man?" he asked and then suddenly released his hold so quickly that Ari stumbled back a little.
Ari tried to remember, but it was all so unreal now, the experience so elusive that he couldn't pin it down. He shook his head. "No, but I think after I told him something, I felt something like bliss."
"You vomited, and then you came, and then you went into a trance," Jake said as his eyes met Ari's. "I was a little freaked at the time but I watched over you."
Ari was stunned by what Jake was describing. "Where were you? I don't remember seeing you," he said anxiously.
"I already told you, and I'm surprised you think I would let you go into the dream time alone, bro, you must not trust me as much as you seemed to last night."
"Ari felt confused that Jake kept asserting that he had been the tall man, when he knew that couldn't be possible. "Yeah, OK, well I better get back so my dad won't be worried. let's go, bro."
"Hold up, little mouse. Don't be so quick to run away from this experience. You remember what you told me last night?"
Ari had a vague recollection and then a sudden horror filled him, because he realized that he had told the tall man of his deepest desires and longings. Ari knew that he had said things that he had never told any living soul.
He licked at his parched lips anxiously and then shook his head. "No, it was probably some kind of crap, because I think I was pretty messed up, and I honestly don't remember you being there."
Jake tugged at his hand a little before saying with a hint of amusement in his voice, "You don't have to worry about having to be held accountable to anyone you don't care about, because you have me. You can be accountable to me."
Ari felt a shock run through him at the blunt words, and the realization that Jake had somehow overheard him telling his secret wishes to the tall man, made him feel a bottomless humiliation.
As the rage grew within him, he decided he would never have anything to do with Jake again. His whole body shook as he tried to extricate his hand from Jake's, and he suddenly lashed out in panic when the hold was not immediately released.
His free hand connected with the top of Jake's head, and the thud reverberated over and over in his mind, sickening him. "Oh Shit! let go of me," he screeched. "Jake let me go!"
He reeled backwards when he was released and he took a few quick steps back and covered his own head protectively.
He could hear Jake breathing in hard snorts, but when there were no immediate repercussions, he lowered his arms and forced himself to look down at his friend who was still sitting in the sand.
"If you think you can hurt me like that, you're wrong," Jake ground out between his teeth. I'm used to being hit. It means nothing to me."
Ari could hear the hurt trapped within the words, and because it was such a contrast to the earlier smug tone Jake had used, he felt suddenly contrite. "Look, I'm sorry I hit you, bro," he said as he took a couple of wary steps forward. "Let's just go, OK? I can't deal with this right now, I have to get home, and I can't leave you here...please, c'mon now, Jake."
His words were deliberately soft and pleading, and he hoped Jake would hear them, so they could walk out of the desert side by side, like men.
He was relieved when the other boy stood up and dusted off his jeans, but was again confused when Jake spoke while gathering up his bags of plants. "You're rejecting my offer. I can't believe it, after last night.... Do you want to be on your own for the rest of your life?"
"The rest of my life? Jake, get a grip. I think you've been bluffing the whole time. With your bag of magic tricks and your belief in destiny, you don't seem very cool to me, right now, or even very interesting."
Quivering with simmering rage, Ari continued, "I don't see a shaman, Jake, I just see a manipulative person who is trying to impress. If you had wanted to know something about me, why not just ask? Why humiliate me to the point where I don't respect you anymore? What's wrong with you, bro? Why are you deliberately pushing me away?"
Ari watched as Jake's chin tilted upward, saw the forced pride in the gesture, and he brushed the back of his hand over his moist eyes, trying to maintain some pride too.
"All right, Let's go," Jake said as he clutched his bag close and walked past Ari without looking at him.
The ride back to town was deathly quiet.
He parked in front of Jake's store and then turned to look at him. He remembered the words him mom always spoke to him when he was little and they'd had a disagreement and she wanted to make sure things were right between the two of them. Ari took a chance by saying them even though they weren't completely true, "I'm not mad at you Jake. Are you mad at me?"
Jake looked out the window of the truck and then sighed heavily. "No, I'm not mad, but I know I've lost you, and I don't understand. Your mind is like a house of mirrors."
Ari, wanting to lighten up the awkward moment a little, forced a grin. "I'm just tired, bro, and I need a little time to think, that's all. No big deal.
"Time is a weird thing," Jake mumbled as he opened the car door. "A little of it can change everything."
Ari nodded in agreement. "Yeah, but I'll call you tonight, and we'll talk a little bit, OK?"
Jake gave a wave of acknowledgment over his shoulder and then got out of the truck and walked to the door of the shop.
As he drove toward home, Ari felt a sense of having taken back control of his life from a force he didn't understand. It seemed strange to him how empty the victory of doing so really was.
When he got home his father chided him about staying out all night. "At least call and let me know, next time," he said.
Ari apologized in a distant, automatic way and the issue was dropped.
As he watched through the living room window while his dad carried his golf clubs to the car, he wondered why there had always been such a distance between them. Sure, his father had questioned him and expressed his displeasure at what Ari had done, but there was no realness to it. It was as if his dad calling him onto the carpet was just the expected thing to do.
He thought about Jake then, and he supposed he should be grateful for what he had in comparison. At least, he thought as he headed upstairs to shower, he wasn't beaten or bellowed at. At least he had wasn't badgered by his father, or called names.
He knew he should be grateful for that, but for some reason he just didn't feel that way.
As he soaped up his tired and aching body, he thought about Jake's words earlier. The ones that had hurt him so deeply, and then he thought about what Jake said earlier, and the knowledge that Jake knew what was really inside his heart, filled him with black shame.
But, had Jake's words really been a taunt or were they just a statement of fact? It was hard to tell, but Ari didn't know if he could ever get past the words, or the knowledge behind the words. Yes, he had longings that he'd obviously told last night, but the tall man had seemed trustworthy, and if Ari had been in his right mind, he would never had told of his true need, if that was indeed what he had shared. He would have died before letting anyone see the part of him that wanted to be held accountable to someone and...maybe even guided and protected.
When he got out of the shower he felt feverish and his mind was full of wild, frightening imagery. He told himself that it was left over from the plants he had so stupidly agreed to consume, and that he was fine.
He picked up the phone and dialed Jake's number like he'd promised he would, but he hoped he wouldn't have to talk too long. He just wanted to sleep so he could block out all that had happened between them.
He picked up the stuffed bear that his mother had given him when he was little and was holding it to his chest, when the phone was picked up on the other end.
"I need to talk you. Can you come over, now?"
Ari was surprised. "How'd you know it was me?"
"Ari, it's important that you come over now because the cord that binds us is weakening. I need you to come over right now."
"All right, but I'm really tired," Ari said, tensely. "You have to promise you won't do anything else to trick me, though."
"I promise, bro."
"All right, I'll be there in an hour or so."
He hung up the phone and rested his head on the soft, fuzzy material of his bear. Closing his eyes, he once again saw the tall man with the long flowing hair from he night before.
"I wish you were here to help me through this because you would know what to do, I bet," he murmured drowsily, as his head drooped.
In his mind's eye, he saw the tall man wink at him in response, but he couldn't understand the significance of it.
I was early afternoon when he finally showed up at the Littlelake store, and Ari was too tired to even pretend he was glad to see Jake when the other boy answered his knock. "I'm exhausted and I feel kind of feverish, so I can't stay long," he announced as he followed Jake inside the dimly lit interior of the shop.
"All right, I understand."
Jake waved him through the opening in the curtain, and Ari opened his mouth in wonder at what he saw. Candles were lit, and had been placed in a spiral pattern that covered the entire floor. Aluminum foil covered the walls, and mirrored back the candle flames, creating the illusion that the whole room consisted of nothing but candlelight. Strings of beads, feathers, and colored glass hung from the ceiling, and in the midst of all this glitz was the simplicity of a braided rug with two mugs set beside it in the center of the floor.
Ari looked around in wonder, his tiredness all but forgotten. "What's all this?" he asked softly, not able to keep a smile of delight from breaking through.
Jake smiled widely back at him and for the first time since Ari had met Jake, he thought he saw signs if uncertainty on his friend's face. "Do you like it?"
Ari nodded and walked further into the room.
Jake walked past him lightly touching his shoulder as he passed. "Let's sit on the rug so we can talk about some things," he said in a serious tone.
Ari followed, but even after he was seated beside Jake on the rug, he still couldn't tear his eyes from the fantasy world that Jake had created.
He felt a light touch on his knee and he turned his eyes to focus on Jake, sensing an important revelation was coming.
"I know you're pissed at me, Ari, and I can't blame you. I know that what I did, last night, by using the plants without explaining, was unfair.
Ari nodded, glad that Jake was admitting it at last.
Jake suddenly leaned forward until his face was only inches from Ari's face. "But let me tell you something. Sometimes the reality of something is not the same for everyone. I'm a shaman, and I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but I see things differently than I once did, and I know things that other men don't always know."
"It sounds like you're retracting your apology," Ari said tightly. "Are you?"
"No, I am sorry about last night. What I'm trying to explain is that there is a pattern to our lives and the pattern is interwoven with other lives. Ari, I wasn't lying when I told you I'd met you before I had actually met you, and that I knew we were destined to be together. That was the truth."
"That's hard for me to understand," Ari responded. "Does that mean that I can't decide to end it right now, and that our destiny together can't be broken? Am I just a puppet in all of this?"
Jake shook his head and laughed softly, and when he looked over, Ari could see an illusion of candle flames where Jake's pupils should have been. He looked away quickly, starting to feel uncomfortable.
"This is another trick, isn't it, bro? You think I'm gullible don't you? You think you can mesmerize me with flashy imagery and then spout your bullshit, and that I'll just lap it up?"
Ari felt his face heating up with anger at the audacity of it, thinking that after everything that had happened between them, Jake was still messing with him. "You've got about two minutes to tell me what you want to tell me," he said, hardening himself to the illusion of the room around him. "And it better be something real," he added gruffly.
Jake nodded. "OK, this is the real deal, Amigo. I left school last year because my old man was using me as a punching bag twenty-four seven. I didn't want you to see me like that, with the bruises, and I didn't want you to lose the feelings you had for me as your protector. I was ashamed of what was happening to me, but also knew that wasn't the end of things for us and I knew our path would continue."
When Jake paused Ari looked over at him, feeling a profound sense of loss at the wasted time Jake's decision had caused.. "You saw me in one of my worst moments of humiliation, in the shower room.... so your explanation is hard for me to understand. What did you think I would do if I saw the bruises? Abandon you?"
Jake seemed to become agitated at Ari's words and he moved his hands in the air as if punctuating some unsaid point. "Don't you see the difference of 'in spite of' and 'because of,' bro? You cared about me because of what I did to rescue and protect you, and I cared about you in spite of what happened to you, in spite of the position I found you in. You can't lose my affection, Amigo, but I can lose yours. Can't you see that? I just...couldn't take the chance."
Ari turned Jake's words over and over in his mind. "So, you think you have to be strong and protective all the time or you'll lose my love and friendship, because you think everything between us is all based on that one moment in time?"
Jake looked steadily into Ari's eyes. "Isn't it? if I hadn't saved you from those dick heads that day at school would you have ever given me a second glance?"
"Of course, I would've, and you're insulting me by comparing me to everyone else at school. Jake, I'm not everyone else. When you left without telling me, I didn't know what I would do without-"
"Your protector?" Jake interjected.
"-My friend," Ari finished his sentence, trying to keep his voice steady though the accusation stung. "At first, yeah, you know as well as I do that it meant a lot to me that you helped me out that day in the locker room, but that's not all of it, and I don't understand why you keep focusing on that one incident when our friendship meant more than just that." Jake's eyes became cloudy for a minute and he reached up and fingered the steel pendant around his neck. "Well, Amigo, how could I know that?" he asked gruffly.
Ari rose from the small rug and then one by one, blew out all the candles in the room before coming back to settle down beside his friend. "You could've just asked me Jake. I would have told you the truth."
"I don't think you would have been honest."
Ari bristled at the words. "I would've."
"All right, well, can I give you something before you go home, something that has meaning for us both? Something for you to look at while you think about things?"
Ari hesitated, saddened by all the B.S. that all people had to go to to try to get to the truth, and doubly saddened that he and Jake were caught up in it all. "Yes, you can," he said softly.
He rubbed at his tired eyes while Jake got up and left the room, his mind still slightly fuzzy from whatever plants Jake had given him the night before.
When Jake returned, he sat down cross-legged beside Ari and held out a black-and-gold pinwheel.
Ari reached out with shaky fingers and took the toy. A wan smile curved his lips. "Significance," he said quietly as he accepted the gift. "Thank you, Jake."
Jake gave Ari a slow wink, "You are welcome, Amigo."
Ari shook his head at the gesture, too weary to think anymore. "I need a real friend more than anything else, right now," he mumbled as he got to his feet. "I just wish you could understand that. I don't need a shaman or magician or prankster. I just need a real friend."
Jake lithely stood, and stuck his hand out to Ari. "You've got it, Amigo. No worries, and if you decide you need anything more, I'll be here."
Ari stuck out his hand to shake, and in that moment of restraint he liked Jake more then he had since they had first met up again. "I'll call you in a few days," he said, and then without waiting for a reply, he turned on his heel and left.
To be continued.
Copyright ©2008 by Tris