Unification

He was tossing and turning, and it woke me. I put a hand out to steady and gentle him and found his skin slick with sweat.

"Davy, what is it, baby? I asked groggily as I pulled him close to my body.

"Everything's too hard for me, Shane. I can't sleep thinking about all the things that I have to do and all the choices I have to make.

I kissed the cool skin of his cheek. "I'll help you with anything you need help with," I assured.

"I rememeber how easy it was," he began, and I heard the catch in his voice. "It was so easy back then."

I sighed. He was talking about the year he had spent with the Unification church, or the "moonies" as they were more commonly known, and I knew there were parts of it that he missed. There really wasn't much I could say. I could have told him that he hadn't been free there, but he knew that. I could have told him that they had taken advantage of his youth and vulnerability. But, he knew that too.

We had talked about it many times, and I had become frustrated beyond belief on more that one occasion, trying to make him understand that what he was missing had never been real. After a while I realized that whatever illusions had been offered to him at the "church" had been real to him, or a least better than the alternative of trying to make it on his own.

Davy had needed to belong, and to let go of his responsibilities. He had gotten that and a whole lot more. He had gotten a host of health problems caused by malnutrition and had gotten milked of more than $75,000 dollars of his family's money too. He had lost the trust of his family and had finally gotten himself basically kidnapped when his father had had enough of it.

As I brushed back the soft strands of golden hair from his forehead, I could see, in the dim light of the small lamp he kept on all the time, that he had been crying. I knew he probably wanted to talk about it, but I also knew that every time he did that lately it was just to reminisce. Every time he got that look in his eyes, that soft, slightly glazed look when he talked about it, I was filled with fear and apprehension that he would leave and go back there.

I kissed the tip of his nose. "I think some hot chocolate will help," I whispered. "let's go down and get some."

I rolled out of bed and slipped on my robe, then glancing back over at the bed, I saw he was still lying there, the covers twisted about his bare body.

Quietly I sat back on the mattress and stroked the softness of his slender back. "OK, baby, tell me how easy it was back then," I murmured, waiting for the look in his eyes to change.

"I knew what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to act. I knew I belonged. Today at the grocery store, when you asked me to get some milk, I stood there looking at all the different kinds and I just wanted to run. Back then I never had to make those kind of decisions."

I watched him bury hid head in the pillow, and I wanted to do something to help him, but I had no idea what to say or do.

"Are you thinking of going back, again?" I forced out, my voice gruff with apprehension of the answer.

"I think about it a lot."

I swallowed around the lump in my throat. "Davy, it's really hard for me knowing that you think of going back. Every morning, the first thing I do is to look over to make sure you haven't taken off in the night. When I get home from work, I don't feel right until I see that you're inside the house. How can we go on like this?"

His voice was muffled by the pillow when he answered, "I don't know, Shane."

Desperation made me say what I said next, "Your dad will just do what he did before, and you know what that was like. Remember how bad that was? Remember how helpless you felt being held prisoner? Do you want that to happen again?"

"No," he said, his voice sounding very small.

"Davy, let's make another appointment with that counselor that we talked to before, OK? Maybe he has some more ideas."

"All right, but I doubt it will help. He said that things should be easier within six months and it's been nearly a year."

I heard him sniffle, and I lay back down and reached for him. Holding him very tightly in my arms, I whispered into the soft shell of his ear, "Don't you worry anymore, tonight, because everything is going to be all right."

He stopped crying at my words, and lay very still in my arms, his sweet-featured face tilted up at an angle. "I need you to tell me what to do, Shane, all the time, so I'm not so confused. Can't you just do that? I'll try to do what you tell me. I'll try really hard."

The words were not a surprise, they had been uttered before, many times. I shook my head, firmly, resisting the pleading I saw in his eyes. "Baby, that would be no different than being back in a cult. I would gladly do it if I thought it would help you become the man you need to be to survive. But, it would be a step back for you. Can't you see that?

I saw a look of anger cross his face. "You've done it for other people. You used to tell other people what to do. Why won't you do that for me?

He was referring to my past experiences in the BDSM scene, and I sighed heavily, when he threw it in my face, knowing he didn't understand. "Davy, the men that I told what to do were very strong people who knew exactly what they wanted and what they were doing. The guys I played with were very powerful men who could afford to spare some of their power, in exhange for a sense of freedom..." I paused thinking of how to phrase what I needed to say next so it wouldn't hurt him.

I stroked his light-brown brows tenderly. "Right now, you aren't powerful, Davy. You're just the opposite. It wouldn't be good for you."

He tensed in my arms. "So, that means no way, right?"

I nodded.

He turned away from me."OK, good night, Shane."

I lay there for what seemed like hours, thinking about what he had asked me, and trying to turn over every option in my mind. I knew, logically, that he needed to become more independent, not less. And yet it wasn't happening. He was becoming more lost and confused every day, and that look in his eyes was appearing more and more frequently. He was going to go back with them, I could feel it in every fiber of my being. And then what? He would have people who couldn't give a shit about him, ordering him around for their benefit, not his, and he'd basically be under the thumb of some greedy, son of a bitch whom he had never even met. The other thing was that he wouldn't be here with me anymore, and I didn't know how I could do without him.

Finally as the first rays of dawn shone through the curtains, I got up and went downstairs to the computer room. I had some research to do and some trusted people to talk to if I was going to be able to figure out what to do. In the back of my mind I kept thinking that some sort of variation might work, something where he would be able to maintain as much control as he needed so that he wouldn't be going backwards, and yet allow me enough control where he could feel secure and safe under my authority.

I shook my head--feeling daunted by my task--and grabbed my cell phone from beside the computer monitor. I phoned the college and let my colleague TJ, know that he'd need to substitute for me in the acting class I taught. I then IM'd Daddy Joe, one my closest cyber buds and a very well respected dominant in the community.

After all the usual hello's and hug smilies, I told him about Davy's request and how I had been considering things.

ShaNe: I'm afraid for him Joe, and I know he doesn't really understand what he's asking for.
DaddyJoe: It sounds like he wants you tell him what to do. It sounds pretty simple.
ShaNe: OK, but my concern is that he will regress or something. He's very fragile right now, emotionally, and I've never topped anyone who was.
DaddyJoe: Well of course you don't want to dominate him like you would the others. You do know there are other styles of topping? Right?
ShaNe: I've heard of things like mentoring and domestic discipline relationships. I've always thought of those as kind of borderline though.
DaddyJoe: Borderline? Borderline what? They are considered valid sub divisions of BDSM.
ShaNe: Yeah, well what from what I know of them, a lot of times they don't even classify themselves as BDSM, so I haven't looked at them as anything that might be remotely valid. You know. LOL

DaddyJoe: LOL, well it's not my cup of tea either, buddy, but I think you might want to look up some info about them in case it might be a closer fit than putting a dog collar on him, and suspending him from the ceiling.:D
ShaNe: LOL...Seriously?
DaddyJoe: Yep, just check it out and see what kind of fit it might be. You can always take what you need and leave the rest. Just be open minded and see what you think.
ShaNe: I haven't even decided if this is the direction we need to take. I'm just thinking about it right now.... He had a kind of a bad night last night... has had a lot of them lately.
DaddyJoe: Just listen to your instincts, bud. You've got good instincts. If the fit isn't right, you two can always go back to the way things were before right?
ShaNe: Hmmm... OK, Thanks, Joe. I'll look into it.... talk to you later, and thanks, bro.
DaddyJoe: IM me later and let me know how it's going.
ShaNe: OK, cool, talk to you later then.
I sat at the computer and stared at the words on the screen for a few minutes. Finally, I shook my head, and logged off, thinking I was losing my mind to even be considering any of this for Davy.

I needed sleep. Lack of it, was causing problems with my thinking processes, obviously.

I padded back to our room and lay back down beside him, and as I heard the little whimpers coming from him as he slept, a wave of hopelessness sweep through me. 'What if this is the way he's going to feel for the rest of his life?' I asked myself as I brushed my hand across his cheek.

I clutched my pillow in both arms and hoped for sleep to overtake me. Just before I drifted off, I reminded myself to phone Davy's counselor, Dr. Roberts, a little later and make another appointment. If he couldn't help, then I'd consider checking out the sites Joe suggested.

Davy's eyes were glazed over the whole time he talked to the cult awareness counselor, and I knew what a bad sign that was.

I knew the counselor knew what he was doing and had handled more than a hundred cases of ex-cult members, but my instincts were telling me that it wasn't good for Davy to keep rehashing all the old memories.

I sat still as he talked, though, watching the look on his face change from the usual look of sad confusion to one of pure ecstasy within a minutes time.

"There was this girl named Jill, and she was so cool, and I remember that we always sat together during groups and there were times when we could tell what the other was thinking just by looking into each others eyes.

"Were you in love with Jill?" Dr. Roberts asked.

Davy was looking into space, his cheeks flushed and his eyes brighter than I thought was humanly possible. I leaned forward a bit, curious to hear his answer.

"I loved her, yeah. Sometimes I loved everybody back then, but she was special."

I sat back again, feeling slightly jealous at his confession, but not knowing exactly why. After all he had chosen to be with me, and whatever had happened in the past was just that. And yet, a part of me knew that when he was like he was today, he really wasn't in the present, he was back there again.

"David, can you remember a moment when you were with the group, when you wanted to leave?"

The glaze over his eyes lightened considerably. "I guess...when I had been there a couple of weeks, I had a panic attack or something, and I freaked out thinking that I was trapped there and that they were all fronting and didn't really care about me at all."

"What happened then? Why did you decide to stay if you thought that?"

"I told Jill that I was thinking of leaving, and she got really worried and told the camp leader--I was at a camp at that time--and he and some of the others talked to me and reassured me about things."

"What did they talk to you about that reassured you?"

Davy shrugged, and I could tell he didn't want to say. He sat up straighter in his chair and looked out of the window instead of answering.

I looked from him to Dr. Roberts, and the other man gave me a nod before he continued with Davy.

"All right, apparently you don't want to talk about that, and that's fine. Let's go past that time, to the time you were taken from the group by the deprogrammers.

The slightly foggy look on Davy's face was replaced with one of deep resentment. "Why do we have to talk about that?" he demanded.

Dr. Roberts remained as calm and patient as ever. "I think that the kidnapping is an important event in your life, and even though it makes you upset, it may hold some clues for how we can help you. "You already told me you were at the airport, that day. So, please, go on from that point."

Davy looked over at me with a pleading look, and I looked questioningly at Dr. Roberts, hoping we could stop going down this painful path.

The counselor put his hand up slightly, a sign that made beads of sweat pop out on my forehead.

I looked back over at Davy and waited.

Davy jerked his head and then looked down at his feet. "It was a good day. We had been handing out pamphlets and talking to people. I had been talking to this woman who I knew could be happy with us. She had that same look in her eyes that I always had, like she didn't belong anywhere." He stopped and inhaled sharply, then ran his slender fingers through the top of his hair. "I guess on that day, I felt like I was really doing something worthwhile, you know. Like I was saving people from the same kind of life I had before. You know, saving them from an emptiness or something."

He stopped and bit at his lip and I could tell he was on the verge of tears. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him that it was OK, but I didn't. Feeling a trickle of sweat running down my jaw, I turned my head to look out the window. I didn't want to see his distress, but it didn't help to look away because the distress was still palpable.

"I was grabbed from behind by two guys, and the thing was that I think the woman I was talking to was finally understanding what I was offering to her...and then that... happened."

"Did the men who grabbed you, hurt you at all?" Dr. Roberts asked when Davy paused.

He rubbed at his jeaned thighs--I could see it out of the corner of my eye--and when he spoke his voice sounded choked and frantic.

"I didn't know what was going on...they put handcuffs on me, so at first I thought it was the police. One of them grabbed my hair and hissed at me to be quiet, and I was terrified...I..so I did what they said." I looked over at him and he was running shaky hand though his hair. It was at that point that I was going to tell Dr. Roberts that it was enough, that Davy had been through enough for one day, when Davy suddenly continued on.

"They put something over my head, after we were in the car, you know, and I could barely breathe, and at that point I still didn't know what was happening, but I knew the cops wouldn't put something over my face and head like they did."

His breaths were coming in sharp gasps as he talked, and I was grateful when Dr. Roberts intervened.

"All right, let's go forward a little, to the time when you knew who they were, and why they had kidnapped you. When you knew it was your dad, who had paid those men to bring you home, how did you feel about that?

"I...my god, I felt like I had been totally betrayed. I felt like I had been wrenched away from the only people who had ever understood me. I basically hated him."

"But now, you understand why he did it, and that he was worried about you, right?" Dr. Roberts asked.

Davy let out the most bitter laugh I had ever heard, and it really shocked me, because I didn't think he was capable of that kind of bitterness.

He shook his head. "No, he wasn't worried about me. He was pissed because of the money I had given to them, and he also wanted me to be like him. He wanted me to go through a meaningless life, just like his. He was jealous.

Dr. Roberts looked over at me and shook his head grimly.

"Davy," I said gently. "Your dad has talked to me about this, and I could tell that he really did care about you. He admitted he might've made a mistake by hiring people to deprogram you, like that, but I could tell he loves you."

Davy shook his head and folded his arms across his chest. "Nobody ever listens to me," he said through clenched teeth. "Shane, you can believe what you want, but it was my life, and I know what I'm talking about."

"OK, you're right. It was your life. I'm sorry I interrupted," I told him.

Dr. Roberts stretched his long limbs and then looked calmly at Davy. "I think we've talked about this enough for today. David, I do hope you will come back next week so we can explore this issue further."

Davy nodded, and we all stood up.

"Shane, could I have a word with you?"

I looked to Davy for his decision about that. After all, he was a grown man and we had decided before we started the counseling sessions that he was in control of this all the way. I was just there for support.

He slowly shook his head.

"Dr. Roberts, Davy isn't a child or mentally incapable. Anything that needs to be said, can be said in front of him."

"Fair enough. David, I'm very concerned about some of your responses today, and your progress during these last few months, hasn't been what I had hoped for. I am very concerned for you, and judging by the other people I've seen who have not progressed, I'm aware that there may be a chance of you returning to the group."

I exhaled loudly, my worst fears having just been confirmed. "I've been thinking the same thing, and it scares me to death," I added.

Davy looked down at the floor. "I don't know what I'm going to do," he said "I don't think I can make it out here."

"Thank you for being honest," Dr. Roberts said. "I think I'll make a few calls and see if there are any openings in the group home for ex-cult members. if I can get you a placement, would you be interested in it? "It's a three week, intensive program."

"I have art classes and stuff like that. they're for credit, so I don't see how I can do that," he said, looking into my face."

I pressed my lips together, thinking about it. it might be his last chance before he went back to the cult and was swallowed up forever, and even though I would miss him horribly and it would definitely effect his art grade, it was a chance that I didn't think we could afford to pass up.

"How about we let Dr. Roberts go ahead and make the call to check on any openings, and we can talk about it some when we get home?"

Davy nodded. "OK, Shane," he said quietly.

"Great, let me get you a couple of pamphlets that you can look over while you're thinking about it," Dr. Roberts said cheerfully.

When Dr, Roberts left the room, I put my arm around Davy and gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Don't you worry," I soothed. "Everything's going to be all right."

He looked at me with that slightly confused look he wore so often, and then sighed. "I just don't know what to do."

I nodded, thinking we were in the same boat, because I had no clue of what to do either.

That night, after Davy was asleep, I went back down to the computer room, and began searching for information about discipline relationships. Some of the stuff I read sounded kind of weird, after all I had always been in the scene for pleasure, and it was really hard for me to wrap my head around some of it.

I thought about Davy--as I read different sites--his eyes swimming with tears, pleading with me to take over, I instinctively knew that what I was reading about had something to do with him. There was something very primal about the way he kept asking me to take control, but at the same time, I couldn't see how it could be anything but destructive for me to do that.

Suddenly it came to me that his joining the church had just been the vehicle for him to get his basic needs met, and that if it hadn't been that, it would have been something else with similar dynamics. I guess I had known that somewhere deep down, but it was the clarity of the realization that struck me.

I ran my hands through my hair after a couple of hours, still wrestling with what I knew he wanted and my belief that it could only harm him if we did what he wanted. At the same time I tried to grasp the fact that regardless of what I was or was not doing for him, he was feeling worse and was able to cope with less, all the time. I finally left the computer, exhausted and no closer to a solution than I had been before.

It was the same day that I found him down in the basement chanting, that we got the call from Dr. Roberts about the group home. There weren't any openings, he told us, but maybe in a few weeks....

Davy began to cry and left the room, leaving me to finish up the call. "I doubt that we have a few weeks," I told him genuinely disappointed that the placement had not come through. "He's getting more spacey all the time, and he was downstairs chanting today, and he hasn't done that in a long time.

"I'm so sorry that I couldn't do more, Shane. I wish I could've made the placement. He has so much potential, and I hate the idea of him going back." "He won't go back if I can help it," I said gruffly. "I'm not going to lose him."

"I know how you feel, but we've talked about his rights as an adult. There's no way to keep him from it. You know that, right?"

"I live with that knowledge every day, Dr. Roberts," I said shortly, not meaning to be rude but realizing his limitations for the first time, and feeling somewhat let down by his lack of concrete solutions to help Davy.

He seemed to sense what I was feeling for he said, "I'm sorry, Shane, I wish I could do more. Same time Thursday for our appointment?" I could hear Davy's sobs coming from the bedroom and I needed to go to him. "Yes, same time, and thanks, I know you're doing everything you can."

I hung up and looked toward the bedroom with a sigh. Yes, the doctor was doing all he could, but was I?

I stood outside the closed bedroom door listening to his choked and muffled sobs for a minute, before steeling myself and opening the door.

He lay on his side, legs curled up almost to his chest while he sobbed into the stuffed rabbit I had gotten him for Christmas, and for a minute I felt like I couldn't bear it anymore.

The feeling passed, leaving me determined. "Davy, sit up and talk to me," I said in a tone that I had never used on him before.

His red-rimmed eyes opened wide as he looked at me and then very slowly, with tears still running down his cheeks, he sat up cross-legged on the bed.

I sat down beside him, and put my arm around his slumped shoulders. "OK, now try to stop crying, so I can tell you what I need to tell you," I said as gently as possible.

He nodded and ran a hand across his eyes. "All right, Shane," he managed between sniffles.

I squeezed his shoulder and then gave it a pat. "OK,I'm going to lay some things on the table for you, so to speak, some things we can consider together, but I want you to be quiet while I talk so I can concentrate on telling you all the things I need to tell you, OK buddy?"

When I looked over at him, he looked confused, but there also seemed to be hopefulness about him at that moment too. I didn't stop at that moment to consider why.

He nodded and I pressed my lips together in a firm line so I could gather my thoughts before beginning. "Basically, I don't want you to go back to the Unification church. I believe that would be the worst thing you could do and I want to help you. I don't want to lose you, Davy. I love you more than anyone or anything in the world."

"I love you too!" he blurted out, and then reached over for a hug, and I noticed that his face was still splotched with pink and that there was shine of tears in his eyes. he was beautiful at that moment, just as he was beautiful all the time, but after a moment I gently disengaged from his embrace.

"Baby, I asked you not to interrupt me," I said quietly, trying not to hurt him with my rebuff, but knowing we couldn't be cuddling while we figured things out.

"I'm sorry," he said, obviously trying to pull himself together.

I pressed my lips together, and not looking at him, began again. "If I took over for you as far as decision making goes, it just seems like you would be no better off than you were before. It seems like a step back for you, and yet, you just aren't making it right now. I'm in kind of a bind, here Davy, because I can't just sit by and watch you fall apart,like this, but I also can't do anything that will keep you from growing and stretching as a person. If I did anything that kept you from reaching your full potential, I couldn't live with myself.

I could hear him starting to sniffle again, and it wrenched at my heart, like always. "Davy," I said barely above a whisper, "If something ever happened to me, and you had come to depend on my guidance too much..." I broke off, not able to bear the thought of it.

He leaned into me, and lay his tear-stained face on my shoulder. "I can't make it on my own, right now, I just can't. Please help me, Shane!"

His words weren't that loud, but I could hear the silent scream that lay beneath them, and I realized at that moment that I could no longer withhold something that he so desperately needed. My heart thudded as I silently acquiesced.

"You know, it's not going to be fun having someone telling you what to do all the time," I said softly. "You won't like it, Davy, but I want you to know that you can call it off at any time."

He lifted his head and looked at me with tear-bright eyes. "You mean, You'll do it?" he smiled then, a watery yet sweet smile. " Oh Shane! You do love me, after all!"

I looked away for a minute, still not knowing if what we were going to start was going to be right, but knowing that I was trying to make the best choice for him that I was able, under the circumstances. "Oh God, if you only knew how much I really do love you, Davy," I said as I kissed his head.

He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and we kissed long and deeply, sealing our pact.

I still wasn't sure if it was right, but the decision was made, and I was going to do everything in my power to make things work.

I could feel his ribs sticking out beneath his shirt as we held onto one another, and I told him, "You are going to eat three times a day, from now on, no exceptions. If you don't I'll have to punish you. Do you understand that?"

He looked blissful after I said those words, his eyes shining the way they always did when he talked about the cult. "Yes, Shane, I understand. I'll do whatever you tell me to do."

I shook my head, feeling kind of sad at how our struggles had culminated to this. "OK," I said softly. "You've got a deal.

"You do love me, after all," he repeated again, his voice sounding thick with the emotion I knew he felt.

"I always have, and always will," I said, the words not doing justice to the depth of feeling I had for him.

I knew things were going to change for Davy and me, and whether the changes would be for the better, there was no way to gauge until the changes happened. It was frightening to consider them, but it was more frightening to think of allowing him to continue to suffer without at least trying things in a different way. I realized had been stubbornly clinging to my own beliefs while he he had been descending further into his pain.

I hadn't been fair to him.

'No more,' I thought with determination as I kissed the top of his fair head. 'Not one day more.'

copyright© 2006 by Tris